Unititled.

Ironic.

Anyway. I am having real issues staying happy, lately. I don't know where this newfound misery has come from. But, I don't like it, not one bit.

There is nothing worth talking about in my life right now.

I tried talking to Ashley today. I asked her when she was free. She blew me off, at least in the nicest way possible, by saying she is too busy with work.

So, elements of your life that are supposed to inspire happiness.
1. Career.
2.School.
3.Family.
4.Friends.
5.Significant other.
6.Hobbies.
7.Personal possessions.
8.Faith.


These are the things that normal people use to live a happy life.

Well, I have some problems with those.
1.I have no job.
2.I am failing. And, even if I wasn't, this school is truly such a joke, I couldn't have any pride to inspire happiness.
3.I have no issues with my family. They make me happy, but it's not enough to live happily.
4.I really have two. One that ocassionally talks to me, and one that rarely talks to me.
5.I wish. I do.
6.I am horrible at guitar, my hands hurt. I play video games and this causes me to feel horrid about myself. I have been swimming, but that's 1 hour a day, at most.
7.I don't have any that inspire happiness.
8.I have so many issues with this subject, it's almost become taboo in my head.

So, I am not sure what is supposed to make me happy.

Lately.

I've been stressed. It's a weird feeling knowing, "you can be anything you put your mind to." Well, I know that. But I don't know what I want to be. This Air Force and college mixture is stressing me out. Waiting is just... annoying. I don't know what to do with all this time I have. I want to do something with my life that I can respect myself for, that I can enjoy. It feels like that combination is a hard one.

So, why am I not *happy*? 'cuz you're not.

This depends on how far back you'd like to take it. Most people. As I'm sure everyone reading this would know. Are just happy, with being themselves. They have things they enjoy and they use these things to label themselves. Or, make sure they don't fit under a label, respectively.
And if you know me, you know I don't. I do random things, none of which make me happy.

So, why? Why am I like this? Good question. I thought about this a lot. And this starts I want to say. . . around 2nd or 3rd grade? If any of you knew me then. You wouldn't of known me. At least peers. Because I wasn't social. I was quite the opposite. My normal day would be spent deep inside a book. Everyday was a new book, and a new identity I loved to live under. I identified myself as that kid who read way too much. I was so dearly obsessed with reading that I would get in trouble just before lunch, so I could stay inside and read instead of going to recess.

So, I imagine you're wondering, "why didn't you stick with that?" Well, there is reason for it. I never really had a Dad to that point. My Father figure was someone who instilled every bad behavior I ever had, or thought about having, deeply into my brain. (I believe this is where my self-destructive behavior came from) Well, being the complete loser he was. He didn't really like books, or anything that had to do with them. He constantly tried to force me outside, make me ride bikes, and play sports. I didn't want to. It wasn't my niche. Well, it didn't matter to him. He'd take books from me and reinforce it as some kind of bad behavior. So I'd go outside and lay down. Occasionally swing? That's about it. I lost what I liked doing at that point.

I was independent before that. Well, then came my life of extreme dependency. I started doing Boy Scouts. I very much enjoyed it. But the people I knew, didn't know me as Collin. They knew me as Markus and John's little nephew. It doesn't sound like a big deal. But it was. I started playing a very big mimic game. For years. I wanted to be just like them. They were popular, and intelligent as they come, and extremely successful at anything they tried. I stopped having things I liked, and I started having things they liked.

John stopped being a major part of my life for a few years. I started living with Doug. This transition was instant. I started aspiring by all means to be Doug. I started playing computer games. Constantly. He played Unreal, I played WoW but we were both playing on the computer and that was good enough for me. I learned basic computer parts and I was then Doug's copy. I started working out with him, lifting exactly what he did, running when he did. I even ate and drank exactly what he did. In this, I found my new me. Well, then Doug left.

So. . . who was I? I wasn't. I was depressed as all hell. I started majorly failing at everything. I kept playing video games, but I started sleeping immense amounts of time everyday. I dated Allisandra. This kept my mind off of things for a few months but even then, honestly, I didn't know who I was. And then, another big part of my life came.

Being broken up with. This changed my life, forever. The one person who I actually at the time, could talk to, or even feel slightly relatable to, told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. Why? Because we didn't have enough in common.

So I was given a mission. To find someone I could relate to. And lie. But not just lie. Lie enough that I convince myself that that is who I am. I couldn't find someone who was just like me. I didn't know who I was.

I tried. I did. But I couldn't find anyone. I basically woke up one day and realized I was a hundred pounds overweight and I was failing. I hated everyone and everything and my standards, were extremely high. I had to find someone I thought successful in their own respects. Someone I could live with being just like.

Well, along came Kassie. She was at the time of meeting her, gorgeous. She was smart. And she was genuinely nice. So I became exactly like her. I started loving my family a ton and being very caring. I did well in school and I stopped sleeping all day. But then, I was broken up with again. I didn't get it. We had a ton in common. Fuck, I made sure of that. But, that wasn't enough. She hated being so far away, and so did I. But I wasn't about to let my identity go. I liked feeling like I knew who I was. Even if that was completely and utterly fake as hell.

A year and a half of trying whole heartedly to make this train wreck of a relationship work. I completely gave up. But if you've learned anything. This was not going to be some kind of long transition, where I take my time. Nope. This was overnight. This was going to be break up on Thursday, date someone new Friday.

Ashley was the next victim. I copied her. Her everything. In my attempts to become just like her, I had pushed her away. I figured her out, I knew what to say and when to say it. I knew how to dress, what to do everyday, and how to make her happy. But it became robotic and the love, the working for her. Had completely stopped. And then she dropped me. Just like a hat.

This was the first time I had truly been single physically and mentally in truly, years. This was traumatizing. I had no idea how to deal with this at all.

But this time. I was adamant. Adamant to find out who I was. So I wrote a ton. Tried to figure out what I liked. I tried playing guitar. I tried reading. I tried playing video games. I tried singing. I tried working out.

And here are the conclusions I have come to.
Singing: I love it. But, I am horrible at it. You really can't be happy loving something you have no talent or capability doing. So, that won't work.
Guitar: I love it. But, my hands are completely fucked up. I can't play for more then five minutes. My hands don't work right. I need surgery for them. I truly do. But, if I did that. I can't join the Air Force. So, no go.
Reading: I love it. This can work. But, you truly can't live an extremely social life by reading all the time. And this will make your parents tell you to go outside and be social.
Video games: I feel like shit. Everytime I even turn on my computer or X-box some voice in the back of my head just calls me a failure. For hours. It's too bothersome for me to define myself by pixels to begin with.
Working out: This works. I enjoy this. The cold weather makes it blow. But I know for a fact if the house has healthy foods, and it's warm out. I'll go the Y everyday.

None the less. I don't have hobbies. I don't know where to even begin. If I look for things I am biased. My mind is already trying to fit in, whether it be with a friend or a girl I like or my family. I can't truly find something that is my own. My true niche in life.

The only thing I was ever reallly reallly good at. Was making people smile. People I like, make me feel incredible. And the reason I believe I strive for relationships is because I have always seen relationships as just friendships just... idk, awesomer? So I like being with someone I can make smile all the time. This defines me. If there was a job for that, I would do it. If that was some kind of activity? I would do it. So if you want to define me or find what makes me happy, it's making other people happy. (And everytime you frown, or raise your voice, or get upset, or pissed, or have a tone, or do something negative to yourselves that ruin your life, it ruins mine 100 fold. I don't know how to deal with it and I become bitter.)

Worst day in a long time. Yet, oddly not so bad?

Yesterday started out as any other shit-tastic day at Strong Vincent. First was an hour of boredem. Second was an hour of loudly blaring music. And then me and Kenzie skipped third. We went down to Donche's so she could play her violin. She played for a while and when she was all done practicing for the day,we went up to Weiss'. It was the end of third period by the time we actually made it to Weiss'. We were both tired, we never get any sleep. We laid down on the ground and stared at the ceiling and talked for a few minutes. The bell rang and I went to get up to leave. Kenzie was still on the ground. I asked her if she wasn't going to fourth. She didn't answer. I sat down next to her, and her eyes were wipe open. She looked at me and told me she felt like she was going to seize. Kenzie has a seizure disorder. But, she hasn't had one in three and a half years... I thought she was kidding. But she wasn't.
People with seizures can talk themselves out of them occasionally. Calm themselves down, think of something else, and prevent it. She was trying. She knew it wasn't working. I asked Mr.Weiss to move everyone to the other side of the room (the asl room is partitioned.) I came back and Kenzie was sitting up head on her feet. She sat up and her leg started twitching. And I tried to hold it... like that would stop it... Then the other. I laid her down and then her whole body started twitching. And then flailing. People who are having seizures can't control their muscles. I held up her head. She became insanely strong. You couldn't begin to hold her in one position. It lasted for what seemed forever. But it was only a few minutes. Mr.Weiss came over and asked what he should do, I asked him to get the Nurse. Everything after that was irrelevant. Walking her around to get her things, telling the nurse what happened, staying with her til her Mom came.
It was the sole most scary experience I had gone through recently. I died inside a little.

Still so young and desperate for attention.

I don't know why I do this to myself. Blare music into my ears to drown out the world. I realize all teenagers do this, and think they are for some reason deep and troubled. I just think I am a complete idiot. I am ruining my hearing. Worse by the day. It's insane, I can barely hear anything anymore. I want to know where my self-destructive attitude came from. It's not something I really grew up around. Everytime I can't deal instead of doing anything smart, I just hurt myself. Either physically, mentally, or in some other equally idiotic fashion. Why do I still get upset when I see Ashley? I don't want to be with her anymore. I like other people. I dislike every one of her qualities, and more importantly how she treats me, and all of her friends. Everyday when I walk to fourth my stomach acts up. No matter what. I've been doing the whole productive thing lately. I really have. So much more then I expected to. I have done every assignment, in every class. I am going to school. I am even getting there on time half the time. I stay awake in every class, and listen to the teacher. I play dumb and even pretend like they're actually teaching me some days. Why do I not feel like I am some better person? I don't. Faking to learn. . . doing work I *know* I can do. What's the point? Where is the struggle in that? I am sick of not being challenged. I want to have to write papers. Long papers. I want deadlines. I want work after school. I want to have to be stressed because I have no fucking idea how I will ever get all this work done. Instead of being stressed on how I am actually going to keep myself entertained with the idea that some challenge will be brought on tomorrow. This constant waiting isn't so bad with someone else. I depend on significant others to make my life go faster until the day I am actually challenged. Then I drop them like a hat. . . Like Ashley. As soon as ASL started. She got 0 attention. She didn't deserve any in my book. She was a puzzle, and I figured it out. Now I want a new one. Something to fix. Something that actually takes effort. Thought. Once that was gone, there really was no relationship. Just a puzzle I could hang on a wall in my head. Yepp, I am that guy. With life being handed to me by every teacher and person in my life. I find myself intentionally making problems. Things I have to solve. Cleaning. Re-wiring. Organizing. Anything that can make me feel as if I am not being wasted. I got on ventrilo the other day. Three days ago. Elleth gave me a 30 day card number. He asked me to get on and play, 'cause I was missed. Have you ever been missed? I didn't know what it felt like. To have twenty some peoples' voices light up when they hear you say "hi." It was the best feeling ever. People all over the world I actually made some kind of difference with. I got on and Elleth said we were in the running for server first level 25 guild. I crunched numbers with Faid and figured out for maximum xp/hour we should spam Sartharion zergs and Halls of origination normal. This sounds easy, right? No. This was a 36 hour grind. We pushed hard as hell. It took everyone. Dailies, heroics, regular runs, raids. All going in tandum, faster then any other guild out there. Did we win? We almost lapped them. We hit 25 an hour and a half after they hit 24. This if you can't tell. Is a fucking achievement in it's own. Xp/week Tinyten recorded first in guild. With a newfound unknown cap of over 1.6 million. I did this in less then 36 hours. This is why I play WoW. It's a challenge. It's a challenge that I am damn good at. I know it's a video game, but what other challenges are being put in front of me? None. Time for third period apparently. Forensics. A joke of a class. I hate it, the teacher and everything else that has to do with it. But. . . my ears get an hour rest that is well deserved.

Life status update.

Greyson is in town! We got Rift. It is an awesome game. I could explain the awesomeness, but it would take forever.
Ashley's existence makes me want to punch babies again. I am just done with 4th period. I refuse to attend. I walk in, get a pass, walk out. No thanks, not worth my time. People always say "weigh your options." And, I did.
Pros: None.
Cons: I throw up a ton, get pissed off, feel like shit, ineviatabley text Ashley, hate my life, and then go vent to Kenzie. Nothing makes you more unattractive to someone then having problems. Soo, I need to make my problems go away. For me and my dating life. Which I believe will be non-existent til' I get back from AIT anyway.
It's not fair to get into a real relationship right now. And that's the only kind of relationship I will allow myself to get into. If not I am just using them, and that's crap. I have been there enough to know it is just not somewhere you would ever ever want to be. So...
I am going to the YMCA in about 5 minutes. I haven't decided what to work on today. I really want to do chest and abs and forearms. They are my favorites. Everything else is blah. I can do it, but I don't care. Oh, and shoulders. Mine are getting puny as hell. Being 6' 3'' it makes me look awkward.

I got the magic in me.

I got the magic baby!

Monday

12:00am-1:30am:Hanging out with Doug.
1:31am: Take sleeping pills.
1:31am-5:30am: sleep
5:30am-5:45am :change and pack bookbag
5:45am-6:15am:walk to the Y
6:15am-6:45am:run
6:45am-6:50am: protein shake+banana
6:50am-7:20am:walk home
7:20am-7:50am:talk to Greyson/listen to music
7:50am-7:55am:change for school
7:55am-8:00am:leave for school
8:00am-8:15am:Talk to Jared.
8:15am-9:17am:English.
9:17am-10:19am:Play a game in Economics. Laugh genuinely for the first and last time today.
10:19am-11:00am:Skip forensics, talk to Mr.Kitchen about graduating. Told that my graduation is completely dependent on Mr.Herring's decision. Told I am missing 18 days illegally, to graduate you must have less then 10.
11:00am-11:21am:Walk to Mr.Weiss' to ride out the rest of forensics. Read the SV newspaper, and snuggle into the couch. Text Ashley. Tell her I hope she gets better, she wasn't in second period.
11:22am-12:30pm: Human systems. Talk to the teacher and Taylor. Smile that Ashley is still not in school, but truly wish she was.
12:30pm-1:00pm: Lunch. Ulmer wasn't here... I had to go down to the lunchroom. Get stopped for dress code. Talk my way out of it. Eat food. Sit at a table filled with people I don't know.
1:00pm-2:05pm: Sociology. Start doing work. Jared and Kenzie won't leave me alone. I was on edge and I didn't want to snap. I did anyway. I told Kenzie her ex boyfriend will be nothing but bullet catcher when he joins the military. Tell Jared out loud that I am sick of her stupid shit and she needs to grow up.
2:05pm-3:07pm: Calculus. Write down notes. Get told I have four quizzes and a test to make up. I have a 22%. Told I won't pass this quarter. Talk to Lexy. Eat a piece of pie in honor of pi day.
3:07pm-3:30pm: go home.
3:30pm-3:45m:Eat dinner, change, talk to nick and mom.
3:45pm-4:00pm: go to doug's hair appt.
4:00pm-5:30pm:doug's hair appt.
5:30pm-6:00pm: shop at best buy. Buy rainbow six.
6:00pm-6:15pm: go home.
6:15pm-7:00pm:install rainbow six.
7:00pm-7:05pm:play rainbox six.
7:05pm-8:00pm:sit around waiting to do something. but don't. sit on fb and read /b/ out of boredem.
8:00pm-9:00pm:text ashley. get told she doesn't care about me, at all. Cry a lot. Cry so hard my stomach starts to hurt. Throwup a lot.
9:00pm-10:00pm:Talk to Nick. Realize that I don't miss Ashley, I just miss her taking up my time with happiness. Realize I need to find something that makes me happy.
10:00pm-11:00pm:. Set up black ops and my computer in Doug's room.
11:00pm-11:41pm:Spam Greyson on fb to no avail. Write this blog to make myself realize that my life doesn't revolve around Ashley. And even on days when she is a huge deal and has a huge effect. She truly makes up an hour of my day.
11:42pm:Realize I am truly over her, that I will for a while yearn for that feeling and will even think of ashley and think that's the solution. But realize that she is not the same person, and barely effects me anymore.
11:43pm:Realize I am growing up.
11:44pm: Deep breath.
11:45pm: Feel proud of myself for making it through another day. A productive one at that. I know things will get better. I just know it.

And that was the day.

That I promised I'd never speak of love, if it does not exist.

Hmm.

A million gallons of pee later.

Gotta be somebody..

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there 'cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares. Someone to love with my life in their hands, there's gotta be somebody for me like that. 'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own, and everyone wants to know they're not alone. There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere. There's gotta be somebody for me out there..

You can't give up, looking for a diamond in the rough. You never know when it shows up. Make sure you're holding on, 'cause she could be the one, the one you're waiting on.

42

I am unsure about who I am. I hate it when people judge me when I don't even know how to judge myself. Life seems so difficult when for some people it seems so easy. I feel like everyone in this world was given a manual on how to live, but I wasn't given mine. I wonder why I don't fit in. These thoughts constantly haunt my mind. I hate how this world works. I hate people. I hate human nature. How are such inhumane things human nature? I hate greed. I hate love. I hate hate. I wish life would just slow down. I hate the fact that I think I might be deep when I type things like this. Are these actually my thoughts? Or I am trying hard to write something deep? I think I am incapable of feeling deep emotion. I've never cried at a funeral. I've never been happy at a wedding. I rarely smile. I feel very shallow. I hate posers. Does that make me one myself? I don't know why I'm writing my thoughts up here. Maybe it's to vent. Maybe it's because I want to impress people. I'm not sure. I hate myself. I feel so conflicted. I wish the world was easy and I could just find out who I am. I plan out conversation I might have with people so I can be less awkward around these people. I just don't really know what to do. I truthfully hope no one reads this. However, I also want people to read this. I feel very nervous right now. I am conflicted whether or now to show or censor this all out. I don't think I ever told anyone what I typed here. I will probably end up not censoring this. I hate the fact I hope people will be impressed. I hate that I want to impress anyone. I hate it when people look at me weird. I hate how ignorant people are. I hate it even more when I am ignorant. What is wrong with me? Why did got put me on earth? I don't like me... Does anyone else analyze themselves like this? Is something wrong with me because I do? Is it sad that I find comfort if I characterize myself as insane so that I have a reason for who I am? Is it sad that I have all these thoughts in me? Do you care? Do...I care? It's easy for you to tell me to not go, or to not end my life or to not be apathetic. The hard part is actually giving a shit about me once I decide to stick around. Whenever I think "Who the fuck cares?" My heart says, "well. . . you do stupid." Am I misunderstood? Or am I just wrong about everything? Are the things I blame myself for, my fault? I think I'm ugly. I find myself pathetic. I have no personality. I really have no life. I just waste my life in front of a computer. No one wants to date me. Why am I still alive? I have no purpose. You should just kill yourself and do everyone a big favor.. When I talk to someone for help is it sick that that's what I want to hear? Do I want to hear it because I feel it's true, or because I want to rise to the challenge of being worth something? Is anyone worth anything? There is six billion of us. What if god doesn't exist? What if we just die? Why be a good person? Is it wrong I want you to cry for me? I want you to miss me, just like I miss you. I want you to need me like I needed you. That I want you to love me someday, when I don't love you. So you hurt just like me. Did you know I used to sleep two hours a night? For months? Years? Now I sleep 12 hours a day, and it's never enough. Why am I so tired? Why do I dream everynight now? I hate my dreams. They remind me that it's not okay. I love my dreams... everything is okay. You know what? Thank you. Thank you all because you've showed me love. A love so honest and unconditional I never knew I was capable of it. But you you know what? Fuck you people who didn't want it. Fuck you because before you, I never knew a passion like I had for life. And you know who I really hate? John Sutton. Fuck you. Fuck you so hard in the fucking face. Remember when I was happy all the time? Remember when I enjoyed life? I don't asshole. I don't one fucking bit. Because you, took that away. You told me every god damn day how much nothing I was. That special type of nothing that shouldn't even exist. Every god damn fucking time someone moves by me too quick I flinch. I am so afraid to this god damn day of being hit. You piece of shit. You know why I don't like pets? Because dogs remind me of Rocky. Remember him? Probably not. You attempted to kill him in alcohol induced rages a few times. Cause he ate a pillow. That's not fucking traumatizing. Nope, not even a little. You were not a direct cause of years of depression and not feeling good enough to do anything. You made me afraid to sleep. So damn afraid. What if I fell asleep and I just I don't know? Died because I had my tv on past 9 and you decided to kick the fucking shit out of me? or I would wake up to my Mom screaming to call the police. Or hell, maybe my Mom didn't make it this time, maybe you were just drunk enough. Thanks for the insomnia, asshole. A big fuck you to my Dad, woahhh you're such a fucking hypocrite.. Really. Thanks, a ton. I hate men because of you. I hate them. I really refuse to have friends who are guys because of you. You're a fucking drunk. Really, I have no idea how you wake up everyday without feeling like you should kill yourself. Your children hate you. I hope you know. Thank you for all of the help with college Dad. At least you tried to be emotional support, or fuck any kind of support? Can't help pay for it can you..? Nope, cuz beer>college. I understand that, I was a complete loser once too. Thanks for Nick though. Without your douche ass I wouldn't have someone who actually supported their family and cares. I wish soooo bad I had a chance to change my last name. I'd wear it proudly. It's less intoxicated. Guess what? I found a way to watch videos in your head. High definition, instant replays. It's called having assholes in your regret filled life. Did you know I lie to myself a ton? Like a lot. I do it so damn well that I truly convince myself that it's the way things are. I get confused on all of my lies sometimes. I skip class a lot. Almost everyday. I blame it on Ashley. I blame it on my grades. I blame it on my bad day. It's all my fault. I know it's my fault. And I know that this only hurts me. It's so hard to care. It's so hard to just wake up everyday. Everyone says live for yourself but truly I don't see the point. What is life if it's not lived for others. Have you ever made someone smile who was crying? Please explain to me a better feeling in the world. I don't care how skilled I am at things, or about my grades, I don't even really care what I do for the rest of my life. I just want to help people. That's why I wanted to be a doctor. But I've realized, they are overpaid. Not that they haven't deserved this, but truly if I want to help people.... How can I feel like I am helping anyone if I go home to a mansion with hundreds of thousands of dollars of shit in it. When people die everyday because they don't even have food. Is it bad that I don't get effected by those commercials? I do want to help. Sometimes I even know I can, but I don't. I tell myself I can't. I feel too small to do anything. I feel like I'm a jerk. But I am just bitter and angry and jealous at everyone else and how easy they have it. I'm not a bad person.. I just lost hope in the world and it's people... What else can I do? Be the change I want to see in the world? I'm just one person. Can I really make a difference? As a Doctor I'm just filling a spot that any other doctor could fill. I am thinking about going into a humanities major. That's what Kenzie wants to do too. Miss Glass told us we should.. Is it bad I want to because Kenzie is? Is it bad I care what your opinion is? I shouldn't. I have valid reasons. Even if they're invalid, who cares? It's what I want. Maybe I will go into humanities as a poly-sci major. I try to ask myself everyday, "If today was your last day, what would you do?" And, then I realize... today isn't my last day. I want to go to sleep. Why can't I psyche myself out? People do it all the time. Why do I see around every ploy I make to myself to be a better person. I see right through every trick people have. Just tell yourself this, just do this. No, I'm not that stupid. I think all day and all I think is "Wow, telling myself this isn't going to do shit." And I can't convince myself otherwise. I wonder if I died tomorrow who would miss me. I know that sounds all horrible. But really, I wonder. What are we? Do we really have souls? I wonder if I died, and god existed, if I would go to heaven or hell. Am I a good person? Is anyone a good person? Is anyone else scared by the fact that if you as a person were so special that you were one in a billion, that there is six other people... just like you? Scientists say every snowflake is completely unique. Did they look at every piece of snow? I really bet that over the billions of years it's snowed that at least two were the same.. How do people deny we're nothing more then chemicals? There are chemicals that have been invented that make us feel things. Feel paranoid, feel sad, feel happy... Everyone knows that. If it was our soul.. why would we be effected? Don't you feel like adults believing in god is like adults with imaginary friends? Do you know why marijuana was banned in the united states? It was a smear campaign because it was cheaper to produce then trees, and better for the environment. Also the government doesn't want lazy people who don't support the economy and our way of life. Since drugs in general make you happy without acquiring things the media claims you need to be happy, of course they'd be made illegal. That makes sense, doesn't it? Alcohol is worse for you. It causes more problems. It kills people and leaves you completely unable to make decisions. You even get addicted. But... that's easily taxable. Why is it easily taxable? It's not too easy to make alcohol. So companies do it. But to sell it, you need a license. With other drugs.. it's not that easy to regulate. Why do people hate people who do drugs? I don't understand it very much. We're all brought up to be told that they're all evil. Just like tattoos. That those things makes you a horrible person. What makes you a good person exactly? Being in a stable relationship with a good job? Who... exactly decided that for us? Only if someones government salary depended on that belief... oh. Wait, it does. We're all very gullable. I am too. I spent seventeen years thinking that this life was worth living. It's clearly not. At least not for me. Not right now. I would end it right here. This blog. This life. But that would make some people sad. And maybe if this life isn't worth living for me. I can make it worth living for someone else. That's why I live my life around other people. I just want to make someone happy. That makes me feel good. Isn't that what life is about? Did I just answer the question of the point to life? I think so. Hah. Billions of years, and I did it. 42 my ass.

Mario cart, kissing, and Jesus.

Yesterday was interesting. I woke up and went to school. That wasn't very eventful. Though, I did trash my room deciding what clothes to wear. I have been trying really hard to not wear clothes that make me look/feel lazy. I have been wearing sweat pants daily for weeks now.
After much controversy I decided on Sleep pants. Oh yeah, that was definitely less lazy looking. But I got funny comments all day, and that made me pretty happy. I felt like I existed all day. So second period I asked Kenzie to skip and come visit me in Weiss'. We caught up (I hadn't attended school in a week) and stuff loudly while my class was going on. Weiss would only ever let us do that. :)
We both decided to skip 3rd. This came about because Kenzie decided she was in dire need of a nap and a back rub. I thought she had fallen asleep so I stopped and she looked at me angrily with a pretty awesome, "What the fuck?" face. I decided to skip 3rd because I hate Boesch and frankly if I he made me upsets I was likely to just leave anyway.
I then skipped 4th! I went into Human Systems, bullshitted with the teacher for a few minutes and then asked her if I could just leave. And just as any other teacher in the building she let me do whatever I wanted to. So I went down to Kenzie's lunch in which we both skipped going to the cafeteria and went to her English teachers class. I talked to Jared and her and that's always fun and relaxing. Around them I feel pretty great.
We made plans to do -something- later. Something was undetermined and was aimed at a mall. But I really honestly, had no desire to go to a mall. Ever.
So we made plans to go to Kenzie's and play Mario Cart. This was awesome for lots of reasons. No mall, kicking Jared's ass at Mario Cart, going to Kenzie's house, and other reasons I can't think of.
Calculus! This class is always filled with fun. And by fun I mean Kenzie and I flirt with each other, smile, and talk with friends. Kenzie told me she liked me in a good mood. And that I should be in one more often. I then decided to be in a good mood no matter what. Well, that lasted a while. . .
After much debate and pissing off of my parents we all decided to go with my family to drop nick off then jared then go to kenzie's. Yeah I decided to stop capitalizing names.
Anywho. I got really shy at Kenzie's. This was weird for a lot of reasons. I am never shy. Ever. Kenzie and Jared are a few of the only people I actually -am- comfortable around. And, I mean. . . I'm Collin. Seriously just ask people at school. It's just not me.
Anywho. After playing for a while and kicking ass, everytime I looked up Kenzie was smiling at me. Which is normal she smiles at about fucking anything. (it's cute for now) But then she started being cute. Kenzie does this occasionally. But she was being flirty and she started texting me. (to keep jared out)
She told me she liked me and she definitely wanted to kiss me when she got the chance. (Jared isn't on top of us. (Oh, and long story short this scenario basically happened at my house, I wasn't about to not have this happen, again))
Jared eventually filled with liquids had to go to the bathroom. At which point we kissed. She's adorable. The nervousness, is cute, and truly something I'm not used to. I'm always the one who is nervous. (I seem to have 10000000x the moral fiber of people I've dated) But she was. I liked that, it showed it meant -something-. We kissed more at random convenient times. It was cute.
We ordered Chinese! We ate Chinese! And then I left.
At this point. I was determined to change my life. To stop fucking around with school and really try. I started writing letters to my teachers apologizing for my stupidity and doing all missing work for the entire quarter.
Kenzie then texted me a few hours later. She said she had told her ex boyfriend about what had happened. Which made me sigh. Longest story of my life short, she is confused. She likes me, I like her, but neither of us are over our most recent relationship. Which is fine.
Just stressful, and kind of annoying. I liked kissing Kenzie. We should do that more. Kenzie>anyone I have ever kissed. Kassie was a good kisser, but the feeling was non existent. Ashley there was feeling, but she wasn't very good. =/ Gretchen it was weird, I felt like I was cheating on Kassie.
With Kenzie, it was feeling filled, she's a good kisser, and she cares about me. And she's intelligent. And that, is awesome.
I'm done ranting. I really don't expect anyone to read this. I kinda hope people don't. *shrug* haha.
I am going to go play black ops nao. Tomorrow I am going to the mall to talk to Kenzie, hopefully. This could either be awesome or another day of mindfuck. Wish me luck. Kenzie always talks about God, he should help.

The proactive Collin.

He is not very proactive yet. But, he is getting there.
Oh. You know how when you talk about things or people to other people and you tell them you have a sure fire idea? How to explain. For example, when people say that they are fine when they're clearly not, or they are over someone that they clearly haven't spend one second not thinking about.
Well, that's been me. So I stopped posting for a few days. I figured if I lied to myself enough it would become true. But that never became the case. I stopped posting in some attempt to truly get over my problems.
As I sit here in Economics, in touching distance of Ashley. I realized something. I don't feel the same way. I care about her a lot more then the average bear, but that love feeling. Is completely gone. I'm proud of myself. Even if love is just attatchment, which I am beggining to feel it is. Just some horrible, non-productive habit.
Anywho. I called all my colleges. Allegheny never got my application. This sucks for a million and a half reasons. But! It doesn't matter for one. And that trumps the others. If I do decide to join the Air Force reserves or some form of military something, I don't have to worry about going to college until the spring semester anyway. So, my lack of applying doesn't matter! Yay for me. *crosses fingers*
Today I am going to call Markus. To pick his brain a little more before I make this completely life changoing decision that I want to make sure I have put enough thought into making. I also am going to poke Mr. Kuhar. Though I have never had him as a teacher, he is great friends with Mr.Weiss. He also has been in the AF reserves for 6 years and knows about it more then most, and has no reason to sell me anything. I will value his opinion highly, plus I get out of another class. -Win-
Starting today I am running 6 miles a day. Seeing as I know for a fact I can't run 6 miles straight in a row yet. I am going to run as much as I can and then move myself until 6 are completed. And hopefully before BT I can run it all and then it won't be a big deal.

It's not my time.

'Cause all this time I've just been too blind to understand what should matter to me.
This life we live, it's not what we have, it's what we believe in.

My well thought out answer.

Someone asked me today. "You know if you stay up so late. . . you're just going to make it harder on yourself?"
And that's true. Maybe. But I like it that way, I like the numbness that comes with being exhausted. The oblivion, and the quiet chaos that exists only in my own head. Everybody elses problems are suddenly the farthest thing from my own, because I have things to deal with too.
If I'm tired I have a qualified excuse to keep myself at home, to evade constant problems that really don't concern me anyway. Sometimes I don't even need to try to block things out. The exhaustion does it for me, and I like that. . .

Just to find an escape from this town that was so mean to me. . .

'

And I'll beg and I'll beg. I'm down on my knees. Oh mama oh mama. Let me please leave.
I plea for relief, this town won't receive. all things that I want, the things that I need.
All I ever wanted was love.

So. Exaughsted.

I am some kind of tired. I don't get it.

Paved paradise and put a parking lot.

The best actors in the world aren't the one you see on the big screen. They're the everyday people like me that go around all the time tricking others into believing that I'm happy with my life.

Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got til' it's gone.

Please...

So sick and tired of being, sick and tired. . .

Life lately: Yeah. Listen to the damn lyrics. >.> spend 3 minutes of your life to get my life.
I took a ride on a February morning,
Just getting over it and dealing with the mourning,
I started thinking out loud: I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired,
My baby's flying off the edge of the road,
She's saying, "I'm so sorry about that note",
That left me all alone,
But I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Cuz I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Seven days since I've seen your face,
Seven nights I have laid to waste,
I'm burning out now,
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,
I know we're hanging at the end of the road,
We've flown too high, make a swarm too low,
I heard a screaming out loud,
I heard a screaming out loud

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Cuz I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Think,
All the things that you say,
What are the things that you mean,
What are the things that you say to me,
Cuz your tradgedy,
A queen for his majesty,
All this blasphemy
Your kingdom is crumbling,
You're a tradgedy,
A queen for his majesty,
All this blasphemy
Your kingdom is crumbling,

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Cuz I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Burning for you,
Burning like a candle,
Burning for you,
Burning like a candle

-I figured you wouldn't take the time.
Sincerely, Anonomouys

^ This shit is beginning to piss me the fuck off. Stop posting on /b/ A) can't spell Anonymous. THEN DON'T ASSOCIATE YOURSELF WITH THEM. B) YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW THE DEFINITION OF ANONYMOUS. YOU ARE BREAKING RULES #1 and #2 FOR GOD'S FUCKING SAKES.

Newfag Cancerfags.

End rant.

But really. I didn't think you'd make it this far. Gratz.

I whip my hurr back and forth!

I am going to dye my hair. Hopefully back to it's original color. *fingers crossed* I have no idea how this will turn out. It might not do anything, it might work, or it'll go red.
All of the above would be equally. . . Something.

I went to McDonalds with Nick, CJ, and Maddie. I had a frappe. It was good. That's more calories then I've had this month. Which is good, I guess. Maddie is cute. CJ is a pain.

Greyson has been busy all day. Which sucks. I could of used entertainment of some sort today. C'est la vie.

I will post how the hair thing goes as it develops. Not a picture. Unless it's fucking hilarious. But I doubt it will be. My body looks like I am dying lately. Hence the lack of picture taking.

Oh noes!

Freiza is a jerkface!

DBZ

I am gonna go watch some. Yeay!

Garfield.

Literally, this has nothing to do with Garfield. It was just in my head. So, from this moment on. I will no longer speak of Ashley. Here, or elsewhere. I decided this will be best. She is completely impossible to talk to and no matter how much I try to reason her, it's impossible. She is killing me and taking pride in it. So, I am done with her. All love is gone from her eyes and that is my que to just leave it alone. Forever apparently means 364 days. Yes, tomorrow would be our one year anniversary. Hence I made plans. But, those aren't happening apparently. So tomorrow will be hard for me.

I am apparently possibly maybe going to go play black ops with Greyson. Yay for killing peoples when pissed. Awesome.

I for once. Don't have any desire to inflict physical harm on myself. This is something I will think more about later. It's really -that- peculiar of a feeling.

That's suck huh?

Yeah. My life blows sometimes. At least it's not totally self caused!?

lol.

I love typing like this. Emphasis Emphasis Emphasis.

Blown off.

Again.

Thank you, God.

This is what happens when I try. When I truly try to make things better with the deepest sincerities my heart has to offer. I put my best foot forward and jump head on into life. And it shoots me down. Always.
I told Ashley I was sorry for hurting her. (again) And that I am sorry she ever thought I cheated on her. ( I would never do that ) And that I understand why she would be so upset. And she basically told me she doesn't care if I go die. She's new and improved and her life is awesome. Except. She is failing, sick, and doing stupid shit again.
But. I love her. And I would never want her to think anything bad about me. So I take it.

Why did I say thank you god? Well. I thought he was supposed to help you when you did the right thing. When you tried. Apparently he makes life hard and it's a trial? No. He either doesn't exist or he hates us.

I might hang out with Jared tomorrow. Hopefully. =/

Ashley. Why?

Oh Snap, Crackle, and Pop! - Here goes nothing!!

Lol. That has nothing to do with anything I am writing. It just made me laugh. Anywho, on my mind today. I got my SAT results back this morning. Woot!
I got a 1250 out of the original 1600.
Or a 1700 out of 2400 for todays standards.
Okay. So, it's not impressive. I mean, I am not the next Einstein. But, I got the best in my school. By far, actually. The next highest person I have seen was 1400/2400.
I am in the top 85% of the nation with my reading and writing. Once again, I am not Japanese. But, for going to Strong Vincent. I believe this, beyond anything else in my life. Is going to give me motivation. I feel gifted and truly proud of myself for one of the first times in my life. I did what Strong Vincent told me I could never do. What I told myself I could never do.
And, I didn't study. I go both ways with my feelings on that, but I feel like beefing up before a test while it may be beneficial. Is no where near an accurate representation of anything except maybe. . . your ability to remember for a few days? But a better score is a better score. *shrug*
I am still happy. Severely so.

Getting this out of the way before more happiness ensues! Ashley thinks I cheated on her. And she feels like I ruined her life. She planned on going to Florida for college. I told her there was no way I would be able to pay for it. She told me she wanted to go to college in Erie because of family. Well, no. She wanted to go to college in Erie, for me. Which is shitty. Because, ask my parents. I planned to move wherever the hell she wanted to go. I wasn't going to be like " Nope, you're stuck here." Or be like, " Hey, I know you've been my best friend for years, and I love you more then life itself, but I'm going to go to school 6 states away from you." No. I would of done whatever it took to get in to school there, even if it meant working and saving up so I could. So, she blames me. It seems backwards. I mean, I would of done anything for her, but she lied to me, and in the process of doing so, she hurt herself. And. . . this is my fault. . . Oh. I get it now. Wait. Wait. Wait. What? It's okay. I told her I loved her more then anything and I'd never hurt her. In which she replied, " I need to go." Cool, right? I understand I hurt you for a bunch of reasons that didn't happen, and even some that did. But. . . you have manners. Use them, 'kay?

Back to the happy!!! Kenzie is super proud of me. She gave me like a million hugs today, and actually asked for them. Okay well, some. I love hugs. I am used to getting a million fucking hugs a day. Now I am so anti-social and not with Ashley, Kenzie is my only source of hugs. Plus, I love her dearly. A friendly kind of love. That I would kiss. That's about it. She's adorable and amazing just something is off. Maybe it's her boyfriend. Yeah, probably.

More happppppyyyy!!! Dragon Ball Z marathon continues! I am twenty-some episodes in and I have one thing to say. I love you Dragon Ball Z. This show is amazing. Not only is it full of awesome fighting, drama, hilarious jokes, amazing anime-ness, but it truly has a million and a half good messages per show. This show truly motivates me to go do things. I mean so many people constantly say "try your best." This pisses me off. My best blows. It sounds completely stupid but Dragon Ball Z is about going past that, and constantly pushing yourself to the next level. I know it sounds like a cult of some horrid sort, but truly the messages are there. The Japanese tradition of honor and pride is fed to the kids like candy in shows like this. It truly is a motivational and well intentioned show.
INB4 over 9000, and 45 minutes of Hyeeeeaaaaah!
It is more then that. You just have to be pensive enough to catch it I guess. I never did when I was younger.

I texted Lindsey. She is proud of me. =] Who is Lindsey? The love of my life. Okay, so she is my ASL coach from last year. This may have been mentioned at some point in the life of this blog. But, I love her. I would marry her if she was not you know, 10 years older then me. *shrug* She's still amazing.

Weiss is writing me a letter of recommendation letter. This is awesome for many a reason. A) He is a great teacher. B) He is a great guy. C) I think he gets me. He treats me like his son and I truly don't know how I would get through things without him. D) He writes awesome letters. E) He is an alumni of my college of choice currently!. Wasssup wit it!? . . . . I don't know. Black people say it. . . =[

What else is going on. Oh! oh! oh! Saturday. Me and Jared are apparently hanging out? You might be like, "what!?" But you heard correctly. I. have. plans. Will they actually happen? Maybe not. But I made them and for that I am proud of myself. I know it sounds lame, but I have like never really made plans with anyone but Greyson or Ashley. And Kassie. that's about it. And ask any of them. I failed at that like a pro. It's hard to make plans when your schedule is so infinitely open that people think you're desperate and or you are constantly making time for them. Honestly I just don't have anything in my day I can't move. I am a butterfly and shit.

Well here it goes.
This is me trying to live my life.
By your standards Ashley, your god awful standards.

I'll sit back and I'll watch the show. And I'll lay awake. And I'll watch the stars, as the collide!!


My life starts tomorrow I decided. Here goes nothing!

Dragon Ball Z

Hours later. I am still watching DBZ. You jelly bro?
Yeah.
Thought so.
PS: Life, you suck. Fuck you. I mean. Idk. Squirrel.

Please.

Let this work. I need this. I really hope everyone understands. I'm sorry it has to be this way. I know I am not exactly the ideal son, or brother, or friend. I know I cause more stress and pain in all of your lives then I do anything. But let me do this for me. I don't trust myself to hold on much longer. This is getting too hard for me. I can only sleep away so much of my life. It's permeating. My dreams are infected. There is no escape here, and I can't deal with the problem. It won't go away. No matter how many times I look it dead in the eye it gets harder, more elusive, and more deadly. Don't let me fail for your own pride and hearts. I'll be gone soon anyway. Don't take away my future. I promise staying here will do that quicker then anything. My body, my mind. . .my soul can't take anymore. Please if there is any form of god out there. Whoever and whatever you are, help me in this endeavor. I truly have no where else to turn. This is truly my final attempt.

Hmm.

How do I feel this good sober?

They say music can alter moods and talk to you.

But can it load a gun up for you and cock it too? ASL in the morning.

Rawr!

I had a good day. I didn't do school work. I'm going to try starting that on Monday. Which will put me officially 2 weeks behind. Which isn't bad. Honestly.
Life is happyful. =]

Here comes the sun :)

I got new medicine. I feel sooo happy. And not sick. Life is good =] Like that cell phone maker back in the day. LG. <- They sucked at making phones.
Vid related.

School.

Apparently I still go to one of those things! Which is funny, cause' I honestly forgot. Anywho. What is school for me right now? Well. It starts with Regulars English. Which means : House of monkeys. (For future reference, it is apparently spelled monkeys, not monkies. It doesn't follow the drop the y and add es rule? Good to know) It's a bunch of idiots being loud and ridiculous while I read.
Second period. Mr. Weiss' class. Economics. First class with Ashley. Which means, bury my head in a book, turn up my music and talk to Weiss until the class is over.
Third period. Forensics. This class is retarded. Anyone who has watched CSI, hasn't learned a damn thing yet.
Fourth period. Human systems. This class, is one I would love with a true passion. If I didn't sit directly next to Ashley. This class consists of turning up music. I try to bury my head in a book, but then I just feel sick. So I ignore everything and everyone. Shit is not cash.
Fifth period. Sociology. This class is great. Why? Because I don't do shit. Am I supposed to do shit? Yes. I am two weeks of work behind. Literally I haven't done a damn thing. All I do is talk to Kenzie and Jared and I am pretty content with that right now.
Sixth period. Calculus. I love this class. I love math. I can't learn. Whether it be others talking, or me talking, or having a bad day. It never fails that -something- keeps me from learning in this class.
Anywho, off to this lovely place. At least I have music <33333 I love you music.

What is teh internetzors?

Lmao. I know I just blogged but come on. This is a must watch.
http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2011/01/31/today-flashback-katie-couric-whats-an-internet/?hpt=C2
CNN is a comedy network today it seems.

Terror Alert Color: Brown.

"Hundreds of people recently jammed themselves into a basement in New York City to listen to people with names like Mohammed, Nader, Aasif and Maysoon. What were they up to? Should the authorities be contacted? Is it time to raise the terror alert?"
LOL CNN I love you.
Source: http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/01/31/obeidallah.brown.comedy/index.html?hpt=C2
That made my day. =]

Morning Sunday.

I sleep 14 hours a day now. Not being tired is nice. But it makes doing anything productive hard. Seeing as at least 8 hours of every single day is filled with utter bullshit. Whether it be school or watching T.V. and staring at a wall. . . wondering where all the time just went.
I hope this goes away. Days are turning into weeks, and apparently weeks have already turned into months... It still feels like this has just been one long day. Nothing seems to truly change round here.

Today's events!

I went to the Y today when I woke up. I ran and lifted for a while. I got down to my last few workouts, abs. And my first weighted sit up rep, my stomach convulsed. And I ran to the bathroom and threw up.
So, here is the conclusion I have come to: My stomach is still really weak and I need to be careful.
I came home and ate eggs and toast. Shit was cash. =]
I feel soooooo much better after working out. Partly from feeling productive, partly from throwing up. Yes, throwing up makes me feel better. Why? Because half my worries come from worrying about throwing up. If I just threw up, I am not going to again for a while and all the pain this can put me through, is already dealt. Sooo, it calms me and I feel better for a while. I am happy right now. I am taking my sister to the mall and then I have no idea. Probably something video game related. Or poke Greyson. Maybeh.
He won't reply tho. >.> Cause he's a lameeeeeee.
I miss Kenzie.

Headache.

I have one. And it sucks. I haven't talked to Ashley in a few days. She was talking to me, it was going well. I thought? I told her that I was sorry for everything, I loved her lots, and I would be whatever she wanted me to be in her life. Boyfriend, best friend, friend, somebody she just saw in the hallways, or gone. She never texted me back.
So I guess. . . that means. Gone? *shrug* I can do that.
I come home and watch T.V. til' Doug wants to play games. Then I never have to think. When I think, I think of her. When I think of her, I think of *forever*. Blah.
I am sick of taking 20 some pills a day just to function well enough that I don't throw up every five fucking seconds.
She's happy though. And that makes me happy. I just wish my body would cooperate. I'm happy. I don't get it. I enjoy 99% of my day and smile about everything and my body is still sick. I want to know why. =/
Time to take more Tums and Advil. This self-destructive behavior of mine could never end badly, right?

Life.

It's happening. I had a good day. I think. Who knows :)

House of Reflection.

Much like the halls of reflection. But, in a house. I stayed home today. 99% intentionally. I was tired and just wanted to sleep an extra hour but completely honestly I hoped my Mom wouldn't wake me up.
So I thought a lot. I dreamed a lot. And I've come to several conclusions. In no particular order.

- I need to start working out again. I miss working out a ton and the excuse that it's cold outside is bullshit and who the hell am I trying to tell this excuse to? It's not benefiting me.

-Ashley is not my girlfriend. She is not my best friend. She is not even my friend at this point. She has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me and I am a horrible person. And honestly, she's not wrong at this point.

-I need to study for ASL I can't just ride on my ability to guess extremely well on tests for the rest of my life. It's personally acceptable to me in classes that I don't care about in any way at all. But seeing as I am doing this in classes that will honestly effect the rest of my life, I need to stop and spend the hour a day doing some damn work.

-I am going to start playing WoW again. And video games in general. They are fun. Half of my vocabulary comes from those games. And half of my friends and good memories come from them. Sounds sad? Well, sucks it's not your life.

-I am for the first time in my life, second guessing med school. Not because I couldn't do it, or that I wouldn't enjoy helping people and the hundred hour work weeks. But because when I think of my life in twenty years I have no desire to be a doctor. I don't want to be on call at 2 am with my family at home. I want to make video games. Not the creative side, but the technical side. It's my passion and it's something I'd really love to be a part of. Working around people who at least enjoy the same things as me, helping be part of something bigger then myself sounds great. How else can someone leave a mark in a world with six billion people.

-Give up on bad friends. I miss being buried in books in school. Being popular is fucking over-rated. I have a million and a half friends, everyone in school knows me, but maybe two people could actually name one thing I like to do? Or anything about me?

-Get a job. I want to. But this is low on the priority list.

-Make a decision that has been on my mind for the last month. More and more so everyday.

-Play guitar. I want to learn for god sakes.

-Be a better family member. I cause 100 problems a day and fix 0.

-Forgive myself. For everything. Move on. Six billion people. Fish in the sea. You're only 17. Yeah... all that crap people tell you. I need to believe it.

I'm going to go bother Doug. My drugs are kicking in. Now I am just like all of you.

Weird.

Normally looking at pictures of my past upsets me. Seeing who I was. That I was an overweight kid who did nothing but read and play video games. I wanted to push myself away from that person I was. He had no friends and was lame.
But... you know what? The friends he did have, really liked him. He enjoyed playing games, and was happy. And that kid would be getting in to college right now. And... that kid never had to try to be someone he wasn't. I miss being made fun of. At least I was being made fun of for who I was, and not praised for who I'm not.
I miss my best friends. And I miss my WoW buddies. And I miss school coming to me effortlessly. I want my life back. Do these stupid mistakes I made have to follow me everyday?
Old pictures upset me more now. I was great. Fml.

Me in a nutshell

Pathetic. I'm becoming that person I swore I'd never be. And apathy is kicking my ass.

Hai peoplez =/

Err. So. I am trying. Trying to make things better. This is just causing me horrible stress. I can't stand this. Fml. Smillleeee...

Life

It goes on. :) And with less stress.
I still love you life. Even if you made me a little sad.

Sleeeeeep

I wish I could do that for more then ten minutes at a time. It. Sucks.

And all that I can do, is just laugh.

I am done being nice to girls. Ever. Friends? Sure. I don't want anymore then that until I am done with college. They have officially fucked up enough of my life now. Ashley, amazing girl that she is has already found someone else to date. Which doesn't really make me upset or mad. All that I can honestly do is laugh at myself and her.
She won't find someone better. And I kind of have to stop and laugh at the fact that I believed her when she said forever. I mean come on. It's Ashley.
I am not going to talk any shit about her. I am glad she's happy. I just have learned my lesson. Girls are poison. And that's how they will be treated. Waste o' time.

'Nuff said.

Minecraft. Oh and life.(this will bore you!)

I showed Doug minecraft a few days ago. Since then we have created our own server and spent 10 hours a day building worlds. It's a pretty fun game. I like it, I wish I was a little more creative though. My inability to think of anything to make, makes a building game fail.
None the less, it passes time, keeps me away from texting and my deleted facebook and those are good things. Plus, hanging out with Doug is always fun, eventful, and calming. I feel myself getting attached again. Oh well.
On the Ashley side of life. I miss her. Less by the day. But it is still a lot. She apparently doesn't miss me, at all. I guess that's always good to hear? She hangs out with people I don't know and ignores me for reasons I'll never understand. I won't try. It hurts my brain too much, and my heart a little more. I didn't talk to her or about her for a few days, to anyone. It made me feel better. Life went on.
And then people brought her up in school and started asking me a lot of questions. I threw up all day. At least on the way back to class I was caught for wearing jeans. So then I got to throw up in a waste basket for an hour.
So, now I am texting Ashley. Killing myself ever more quickly. I am fine without her but I have this compulsion to fix things, even though I know if I wanted things to fix I would just leave them be. One of these texts she sends me will make me run upstairs throwing up and crying. So why don't I just turn off my phone? Then I'd be ignoring her. And that would just be 10 steps backwards. So... I'll deal. Maybe even one day she'll treat me like she cares about me at all... Wasn't it three weeks ago she told me she wanted me forever? Oh. . . right. That was for funnies... I get it. Hah. . . kill me.
I am thinking heavily about joining the air-force reserves. Having college money is great. Having spending money is great. Having job training is great. A $20,000 signing bonus would be great. And putting it on my resume would be great. Anddd the 9 weeks of basic, one weekend a month and 2 weeks over the summer isn't a big price to pay.


I know this is more like a diary of useless information buttttt that's all I really want it to be today.


I like Kenzie. She is amazing, and makes me really happy. She is intelligent and beautiful. Her boyfriend is a prick. She deserves better. I don't know how many more times I can handle her calling me crying about him. I don't mind listening, she's my best friend. But honestly, she just needs to get away from him. He's cancer.

Side note. Being single doesn't work for me. I enjoy hugs, kisses, and cuddling too much. Honestly, everything else idgaf. But someone holding you like you're the most important person in the world, it's a feeling that I miss a lot.

I need to find someone more like me. Or at least, what I'd like to be like? Intelligent, funny, nice to be around, and cute. Oh, and straight edge. Honestly, the world is a beautiful and amazing place filled with so much to do. If you really have to drink and do drugs to have fun. gtfo of my life, I don't want or need you.

Drinking and drugs has ruined enough of my life. It gave me a Father I barely know, who barely knows me. A childhood father figure who was traumatizing and scarred me so heavily I can't even catch a football because I flinch like a six year old girl. An ex-girlfriend that destroyed me so heavily I can't believe a single word anyone says anymore. And so many fights and ex-friends that I just don't even need it.

On a completely related note. I went to the Doctor. He gave me medicine to make me like the rest of the world. Able to deal with problems and my emotions. A nice level calm. I don't mind it. I don't know if it really effects me. I still can get just as upset, or just as abnormally happy. I'm glad it didn't make me happy all the time. I'd rather hurt then feel nothing at all.

!! Greyson is coming in to town tomorrow. I forgot about this in the midst of writing. This will as far as I know be the last time I see him before he moves to Georgia. I am excited. I have no idea what we will do while he is in town. I am still in the midst of recovering from my life being shattered which makes me soooo boring/depressing. But still, we will be hanging out daily for two weeks and this is always awesome. I also forgot he was even coming until yesterday. It made me happy. Happy is good. Did you know to be happy you have to have a certain number of hugs a day? It's science.

I want to start working out more. And not like the whole new years resolution thing, but like I used to. I did it to get Ashley the first time. But this is for me. I want to be healthy, I remember how happy it made me.

College. That's happening soon. I don't know where I am going. Pennsylvania, or Georgia for starters. And on top of that, what college in what state. Georgia would be better. Pennsylvania would be easier, and cheaper. I wish I could just have Greyson come back here. I don't like life without a best friend, but life without family isn't exactly much easier. Plus whatever small amount of friends I do have, I would never see. And any new Georgia friends I would never see again after moving post graduation. So that just seems icky. But a change of scenery would be nice. One less Ashley filled. Every damn street corner, room of my house, or locker in the school is a place where I held her hand, or kissed her. It just blows.

People complain life is short. I call bullshit. I regret things in my past and agree time gets faster with age, but life is still long as hell. You have enough time to become anything you want to be. My problem is I have no idea what I want to be. I like making people happy. I want that job.

Mr. Weiss is a great person. He does so much for me. He is the sole reason I am passing school right now. He helps me so much and talks to me. He helps me with my grade. He bumped my 7% to a 100%. .. More like pushed it. I don't know what I would do without him.

I took a calculus test today. I spent 20 minutes studying material I had never seen before. It was 60% of my quarter grade, I am pretty sure I got a 100%...

I take my SATs soon. Like in a week. I need to study...

World of Warcraft. I love the game. I am not in my guild's first raiding group because of my poor attendance. So, truly there is nothing to do. Besides level more characters or grind reputation. No thank you, that's boring. So, I guess I am just waiting for something to happen. I haven't played in a week. I don't mind for now.

A ton of people in my school think I am a Neo-nazi. For real. And I get it. I do. I constantly say racist things, and sound like a bigot. But for my own notes. I'm not. I'm not racist. At all. I actually love people.All of them. I just hate when people live up to the bad expectations and they don't try harder to prove to society and themselves that they are so much more then the typical person. We all are. I just wish people had more self-respect. And sometimes I take the approach that if I am an ignorant bastard someone will rise above the expectation, do something. bassackwards ways of thinking always work.

In times of hardship people always say they miss being a kid, when things were simple. I don't. I don't miss being a kid at all. I just wish people couldn't lie. That's the only part I like about little kid-hood. If you ask C.J. a question he will tell you the truth no matter what, he doesn't know better. He isn't trying to psyche anyone out or make the outcome that would be most favorable to him, he's just honest and accepts the consequences. I wish everyone had that quality.

I miss Lindsey. Or, Miss Glass. She had the best hugs. And was always honest with me. I love her. Truly if I find a girl like her, just like her, I will propose to her on the spot. She's an amazing friend, teacher, coach, and person. I wish she hadn't left. But I'm glad it makes her happy.

I wish promises and people's word still meant as much as it did thousands of years ago. I trust people so easy. And even when I make them earn it, it's only then when they do something to not deserve it...

Every one of my teachers in the last week has told me I am bright, incredible and going places in my life, and that I just need to get out of here and become something great. They all take great interest in me and make me feel so important. But I have no idea how I could ever live up to their wants of me. I don't see what they see.

I hope I find someone who is faithful and honest to me one day. And keeps promises. That's all I could ever ask for.

I want to remember what happened to me. Why I became so negative. I know it happened in sixth grade. I don't remember half of that year. I don't know why. I just know I was never really happy after then. I wish I could remember.

I think that's all I want to talk about for now. I feel a little better. More content. Congratz if you made it this far. You know more about me then anyone else in the world. Honestly.

Saturday in the park, I think it was the 8th of January?

Nope. I didn't go to the park. Today I woke up late as hell for an ASL competition but somehow made it there on time. ASL to me, means Academic Sports League. Not age/sex/location, or any def people thing.
It's a long day of testing, giving speeches, being interviewed and being amongst friends. These are always happy days! Today less so then normal. . . but still happy! I did decent-ish on most categories. I got a medal in speech. Which means I was in the top three of the speech giving category. The two who beat me went to the same judge who handed out perfect scores all day, go figure. But none the less I did insanely well.
My judge cried. She gave me a hug and told me I was inspirational. It meant a lot. Not as much as it would of from someone I knew, but the gesture is the same. Maybe more so? Friends are friends when they want to be. She was a volunteer, she didn't have to do anything but write down some scores.
I saw old friends from Harborcreek. As I always do at those things. It was nice. I miss that school. To an extent. I miss some of the environment. The educational system is just so much better there.
People made plans to go to the mall with me after the competition. I was blown off. This may sound bad and all. But, I can't remember the last time I hung out with friends. I've seen Greyson, Kenzie, and Jared a few times. Truly my life is empty of social interaction.
But I guess that is to expected when you plan your life around someone? My ability to deal with this situation goes up and down. I utterly miss her. Like I couldn't imagine. Some days I can cope. I keep myself busy and look towards the sky and say everything will be okay. And genuinely I am better. But somedays I want to walk up to her and kiss her and hug her and for everything to be better.
So here I sit, with another night of being alone with no plans. Normally Ashley would be here, and we would be holding each other. I wish I could re-live all those moments. I severely unappreciated them.
The only thing I will never get about this all. How someone could promise you forever, look you dead in the eye and say they loved you and this would never end. And then to tell you that it won't workout. That nothing will fix this. I can't understand. No matter how much I try.
I just hope she's happy. Her smile lets me know everything will be okay.

I know. It's been forever.

So I started writing this blog out of sheer bliss. I was loving life and thought everything would be perfect forever. Well, it is perfect. Though it's not always happy, there is happiness to be found in that thought.
The bad times are what make the good times, good. I mean, we would never know we were extremely happy unless, we had some time of complete misery to use as a reference point.
Well this night will forever and always be my reference point. The reason I will never let another thing bring me down. I've lost the girl of my dreams. But not just that, I lost my best friend.
Ashley, has been hands down, the most important person in my life since we became friends. Not only did I go to her for everything, she came to me. The first part was comforting, the second part was life changing.
Feeling so important to someone really changed me. It gave me the strength to deal with all my problems a thousand times over. I felt like someone counted on me that I couldn't let down.

For the last few weeks I have felt completely destroyed. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. I couldn't feel happy, or even upset. I felt numb. My body rejected food just as much as my mind did. Taking in anything to continue the existence I was living felt truly torturous.

But, I didn't write this to complain. I wrote this as a constant reference point for myself. To remember that if I can make it through this with a smile, I can make it through anything...

I plan on blogging a lot more. Not because of my newly found free time. But, to make sure I keep myself busy. Busy in a way that doesn't just take up time, but makes me feel better about who I am.

I have spent so much of my living for other people. Trying to follow one persons ideas and having no true concepts of my own. I truly couldn't tell you my favorite things to do, or my favorite sport, or what really makes me happy.

So here goes.

Collin's Life Chapter Two: Finding inner happiness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIL_2gVu2Oo&feature=related