Unititled.

Ironic.

Anyway. I am having real issues staying happy, lately. I don't know where this newfound misery has come from. But, I don't like it, not one bit.

There is nothing worth talking about in my life right now.

I tried talking to Ashley today. I asked her when she was free. She blew me off, at least in the nicest way possible, by saying she is too busy with work.

So, elements of your life that are supposed to inspire happiness.
1. Career.
2.School.
3.Family.
4.Friends.
5.Significant other.
6.Hobbies.
7.Personal possessions.
8.Faith.


These are the things that normal people use to live a happy life.

Well, I have some problems with those.
1.I have no job.
2.I am failing. And, even if I wasn't, this school is truly such a joke, I couldn't have any pride to inspire happiness.
3.I have no issues with my family. They make me happy, but it's not enough to live happily.
4.I really have two. One that ocassionally talks to me, and one that rarely talks to me.
5.I wish. I do.
6.I am horrible at guitar, my hands hurt. I play video games and this causes me to feel horrid about myself. I have been swimming, but that's 1 hour a day, at most.
7.I don't have any that inspire happiness.
8.I have so many issues with this subject, it's almost become taboo in my head.

So, I am not sure what is supposed to make me happy.

Lately.

I've been stressed. It's a weird feeling knowing, "you can be anything you put your mind to." Well, I know that. But I don't know what I want to be. This Air Force and college mixture is stressing me out. Waiting is just... annoying. I don't know what to do with all this time I have. I want to do something with my life that I can respect myself for, that I can enjoy. It feels like that combination is a hard one.

So, why am I not *happy*? 'cuz you're not.

This depends on how far back you'd like to take it. Most people. As I'm sure everyone reading this would know. Are just happy, with being themselves. They have things they enjoy and they use these things to label themselves. Or, make sure they don't fit under a label, respectively.
And if you know me, you know I don't. I do random things, none of which make me happy.

So, why? Why am I like this? Good question. I thought about this a lot. And this starts I want to say. . . around 2nd or 3rd grade? If any of you knew me then. You wouldn't of known me. At least peers. Because I wasn't social. I was quite the opposite. My normal day would be spent deep inside a book. Everyday was a new book, and a new identity I loved to live under. I identified myself as that kid who read way too much. I was so dearly obsessed with reading that I would get in trouble just before lunch, so I could stay inside and read instead of going to recess.

So, I imagine you're wondering, "why didn't you stick with that?" Well, there is reason for it. I never really had a Dad to that point. My Father figure was someone who instilled every bad behavior I ever had, or thought about having, deeply into my brain. (I believe this is where my self-destructive behavior came from) Well, being the complete loser he was. He didn't really like books, or anything that had to do with them. He constantly tried to force me outside, make me ride bikes, and play sports. I didn't want to. It wasn't my niche. Well, it didn't matter to him. He'd take books from me and reinforce it as some kind of bad behavior. So I'd go outside and lay down. Occasionally swing? That's about it. I lost what I liked doing at that point.

I was independent before that. Well, then came my life of extreme dependency. I started doing Boy Scouts. I very much enjoyed it. But the people I knew, didn't know me as Collin. They knew me as Markus and John's little nephew. It doesn't sound like a big deal. But it was. I started playing a very big mimic game. For years. I wanted to be just like them. They were popular, and intelligent as they come, and extremely successful at anything they tried. I stopped having things I liked, and I started having things they liked.

John stopped being a major part of my life for a few years. I started living with Doug. This transition was instant. I started aspiring by all means to be Doug. I started playing computer games. Constantly. He played Unreal, I played WoW but we were both playing on the computer and that was good enough for me. I learned basic computer parts and I was then Doug's copy. I started working out with him, lifting exactly what he did, running when he did. I even ate and drank exactly what he did. In this, I found my new me. Well, then Doug left.

So. . . who was I? I wasn't. I was depressed as all hell. I started majorly failing at everything. I kept playing video games, but I started sleeping immense amounts of time everyday. I dated Allisandra. This kept my mind off of things for a few months but even then, honestly, I didn't know who I was. And then, another big part of my life came.

Being broken up with. This changed my life, forever. The one person who I actually at the time, could talk to, or even feel slightly relatable to, told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. Why? Because we didn't have enough in common.

So I was given a mission. To find someone I could relate to. And lie. But not just lie. Lie enough that I convince myself that that is who I am. I couldn't find someone who was just like me. I didn't know who I was.

I tried. I did. But I couldn't find anyone. I basically woke up one day and realized I was a hundred pounds overweight and I was failing. I hated everyone and everything and my standards, were extremely high. I had to find someone I thought successful in their own respects. Someone I could live with being just like.

Well, along came Kassie. She was at the time of meeting her, gorgeous. She was smart. And she was genuinely nice. So I became exactly like her. I started loving my family a ton and being very caring. I did well in school and I stopped sleeping all day. But then, I was broken up with again. I didn't get it. We had a ton in common. Fuck, I made sure of that. But, that wasn't enough. She hated being so far away, and so did I. But I wasn't about to let my identity go. I liked feeling like I knew who I was. Even if that was completely and utterly fake as hell.

A year and a half of trying whole heartedly to make this train wreck of a relationship work. I completely gave up. But if you've learned anything. This was not going to be some kind of long transition, where I take my time. Nope. This was overnight. This was going to be break up on Thursday, date someone new Friday.

Ashley was the next victim. I copied her. Her everything. In my attempts to become just like her, I had pushed her away. I figured her out, I knew what to say and when to say it. I knew how to dress, what to do everyday, and how to make her happy. But it became robotic and the love, the working for her. Had completely stopped. And then she dropped me. Just like a hat.

This was the first time I had truly been single physically and mentally in truly, years. This was traumatizing. I had no idea how to deal with this at all.

But this time. I was adamant. Adamant to find out who I was. So I wrote a ton. Tried to figure out what I liked. I tried playing guitar. I tried reading. I tried playing video games. I tried singing. I tried working out.

And here are the conclusions I have come to.
Singing: I love it. But, I am horrible at it. You really can't be happy loving something you have no talent or capability doing. So, that won't work.
Guitar: I love it. But, my hands are completely fucked up. I can't play for more then five minutes. My hands don't work right. I need surgery for them. I truly do. But, if I did that. I can't join the Air Force. So, no go.
Reading: I love it. This can work. But, you truly can't live an extremely social life by reading all the time. And this will make your parents tell you to go outside and be social.
Video games: I feel like shit. Everytime I even turn on my computer or X-box some voice in the back of my head just calls me a failure. For hours. It's too bothersome for me to define myself by pixels to begin with.
Working out: This works. I enjoy this. The cold weather makes it blow. But I know for a fact if the house has healthy foods, and it's warm out. I'll go the Y everyday.

None the less. I don't have hobbies. I don't know where to even begin. If I look for things I am biased. My mind is already trying to fit in, whether it be with a friend or a girl I like or my family. I can't truly find something that is my own. My true niche in life.

The only thing I was ever reallly reallly good at. Was making people smile. People I like, make me feel incredible. And the reason I believe I strive for relationships is because I have always seen relationships as just friendships just... idk, awesomer? So I like being with someone I can make smile all the time. This defines me. If there was a job for that, I would do it. If that was some kind of activity? I would do it. So if you want to define me or find what makes me happy, it's making other people happy. (And everytime you frown, or raise your voice, or get upset, or pissed, or have a tone, or do something negative to yourselves that ruin your life, it ruins mine 100 fold. I don't know how to deal with it and I become bitter.)

Worst day in a long time. Yet, oddly not so bad?

Yesterday started out as any other shit-tastic day at Strong Vincent. First was an hour of boredem. Second was an hour of loudly blaring music. And then me and Kenzie skipped third. We went down to Donche's so she could play her violin. She played for a while and when she was all done practicing for the day,we went up to Weiss'. It was the end of third period by the time we actually made it to Weiss'. We were both tired, we never get any sleep. We laid down on the ground and stared at the ceiling and talked for a few minutes. The bell rang and I went to get up to leave. Kenzie was still on the ground. I asked her if she wasn't going to fourth. She didn't answer. I sat down next to her, and her eyes were wipe open. She looked at me and told me she felt like she was going to seize. Kenzie has a seizure disorder. But, she hasn't had one in three and a half years... I thought she was kidding. But she wasn't.
People with seizures can talk themselves out of them occasionally. Calm themselves down, think of something else, and prevent it. She was trying. She knew it wasn't working. I asked Mr.Weiss to move everyone to the other side of the room (the asl room is partitioned.) I came back and Kenzie was sitting up head on her feet. She sat up and her leg started twitching. And I tried to hold it... like that would stop it... Then the other. I laid her down and then her whole body started twitching. And then flailing. People who are having seizures can't control their muscles. I held up her head. She became insanely strong. You couldn't begin to hold her in one position. It lasted for what seemed forever. But it was only a few minutes. Mr.Weiss came over and asked what he should do, I asked him to get the Nurse. Everything after that was irrelevant. Walking her around to get her things, telling the nurse what happened, staying with her til her Mom came.
It was the sole most scary experience I had gone through recently. I died inside a little.

Still so young and desperate for attention.

I don't know why I do this to myself. Blare music into my ears to drown out the world. I realize all teenagers do this, and think they are for some reason deep and troubled. I just think I am a complete idiot. I am ruining my hearing. Worse by the day. It's insane, I can barely hear anything anymore. I want to know where my self-destructive attitude came from. It's not something I really grew up around. Everytime I can't deal instead of doing anything smart, I just hurt myself. Either physically, mentally, or in some other equally idiotic fashion. Why do I still get upset when I see Ashley? I don't want to be with her anymore. I like other people. I dislike every one of her qualities, and more importantly how she treats me, and all of her friends. Everyday when I walk to fourth my stomach acts up. No matter what. I've been doing the whole productive thing lately. I really have. So much more then I expected to. I have done every assignment, in every class. I am going to school. I am even getting there on time half the time. I stay awake in every class, and listen to the teacher. I play dumb and even pretend like they're actually teaching me some days. Why do I not feel like I am some better person? I don't. Faking to learn. . . doing work I *know* I can do. What's the point? Where is the struggle in that? I am sick of not being challenged. I want to have to write papers. Long papers. I want deadlines. I want work after school. I want to have to be stressed because I have no fucking idea how I will ever get all this work done. Instead of being stressed on how I am actually going to keep myself entertained with the idea that some challenge will be brought on tomorrow. This constant waiting isn't so bad with someone else. I depend on significant others to make my life go faster until the day I am actually challenged. Then I drop them like a hat. . . Like Ashley. As soon as ASL started. She got 0 attention. She didn't deserve any in my book. She was a puzzle, and I figured it out. Now I want a new one. Something to fix. Something that actually takes effort. Thought. Once that was gone, there really was no relationship. Just a puzzle I could hang on a wall in my head. Yepp, I am that guy. With life being handed to me by every teacher and person in my life. I find myself intentionally making problems. Things I have to solve. Cleaning. Re-wiring. Organizing. Anything that can make me feel as if I am not being wasted. I got on ventrilo the other day. Three days ago. Elleth gave me a 30 day card number. He asked me to get on and play, 'cause I was missed. Have you ever been missed? I didn't know what it felt like. To have twenty some peoples' voices light up when they hear you say "hi." It was the best feeling ever. People all over the world I actually made some kind of difference with. I got on and Elleth said we were in the running for server first level 25 guild. I crunched numbers with Faid and figured out for maximum xp/hour we should spam Sartharion zergs and Halls of origination normal. This sounds easy, right? No. This was a 36 hour grind. We pushed hard as hell. It took everyone. Dailies, heroics, regular runs, raids. All going in tandum, faster then any other guild out there. Did we win? We almost lapped them. We hit 25 an hour and a half after they hit 24. This if you can't tell. Is a fucking achievement in it's own. Xp/week Tinyten recorded first in guild. With a newfound unknown cap of over 1.6 million. I did this in less then 36 hours. This is why I play WoW. It's a challenge. It's a challenge that I am damn good at. I know it's a video game, but what other challenges are being put in front of me? None. Time for third period apparently. Forensics. A joke of a class. I hate it, the teacher and everything else that has to do with it. But. . . my ears get an hour rest that is well deserved.

Life status update.

Greyson is in town! We got Rift. It is an awesome game. I could explain the awesomeness, but it would take forever.
Ashley's existence makes me want to punch babies again. I am just done with 4th period. I refuse to attend. I walk in, get a pass, walk out. No thanks, not worth my time. People always say "weigh your options." And, I did.
Pros: None.
Cons: I throw up a ton, get pissed off, feel like shit, ineviatabley text Ashley, hate my life, and then go vent to Kenzie. Nothing makes you more unattractive to someone then having problems. Soo, I need to make my problems go away. For me and my dating life. Which I believe will be non-existent til' I get back from AIT anyway.
It's not fair to get into a real relationship right now. And that's the only kind of relationship I will allow myself to get into. If not I am just using them, and that's crap. I have been there enough to know it is just not somewhere you would ever ever want to be. So...
I am going to the YMCA in about 5 minutes. I haven't decided what to work on today. I really want to do chest and abs and forearms. They are my favorites. Everything else is blah. I can do it, but I don't care. Oh, and shoulders. Mine are getting puny as hell. Being 6' 3'' it makes me look awkward.

I got the magic in me.

I got the magic baby!