Still so young and desperate for attention.

I don't know why I do this to myself. Blare music into my ears to drown out the world. I realize all teenagers do this, and think they are for some reason deep and troubled. I just think I am a complete idiot. I am ruining my hearing. Worse by the day. It's insane, I can barely hear anything anymore. I want to know where my self-destructive attitude came from. It's not something I really grew up around. Everytime I can't deal instead of doing anything smart, I just hurt myself. Either physically, mentally, or in some other equally idiotic fashion. Why do I still get upset when I see Ashley? I don't want to be with her anymore. I like other people. I dislike every one of her qualities, and more importantly how she treats me, and all of her friends. Everyday when I walk to fourth my stomach acts up. No matter what. I've been doing the whole productive thing lately. I really have. So much more then I expected to. I have done every assignment, in every class. I am going to school. I am even getting there on time half the time. I stay awake in every class, and listen to the teacher. I play dumb and even pretend like they're actually teaching me some days. Why do I not feel like I am some better person? I don't. Faking to learn. . . doing work I *know* I can do. What's the point? Where is the struggle in that? I am sick of not being challenged. I want to have to write papers. Long papers. I want deadlines. I want work after school. I want to have to be stressed because I have no fucking idea how I will ever get all this work done. Instead of being stressed on how I am actually going to keep myself entertained with the idea that some challenge will be brought on tomorrow. This constant waiting isn't so bad with someone else. I depend on significant others to make my life go faster until the day I am actually challenged. Then I drop them like a hat. . . Like Ashley. As soon as ASL started. She got 0 attention. She didn't deserve any in my book. She was a puzzle, and I figured it out. Now I want a new one. Something to fix. Something that actually takes effort. Thought. Once that was gone, there really was no relationship. Just a puzzle I could hang on a wall in my head. Yepp, I am that guy. With life being handed to me by every teacher and person in my life. I find myself intentionally making problems. Things I have to solve. Cleaning. Re-wiring. Organizing. Anything that can make me feel as if I am not being wasted. I got on ventrilo the other day. Three days ago. Elleth gave me a 30 day card number. He asked me to get on and play, 'cause I was missed. Have you ever been missed? I didn't know what it felt like. To have twenty some peoples' voices light up when they hear you say "hi." It was the best feeling ever. People all over the world I actually made some kind of difference with. I got on and Elleth said we were in the running for server first level 25 guild. I crunched numbers with Faid and figured out for maximum xp/hour we should spam Sartharion zergs and Halls of origination normal. This sounds easy, right? No. This was a 36 hour grind. We pushed hard as hell. It took everyone. Dailies, heroics, regular runs, raids. All going in tandum, faster then any other guild out there. Did we win? We almost lapped them. We hit 25 an hour and a half after they hit 24. This if you can't tell. Is a fucking achievement in it's own. Xp/week Tinyten recorded first in guild. With a newfound unknown cap of over 1.6 million. I did this in less then 36 hours. This is why I play WoW. It's a challenge. It's a challenge that I am damn good at. I know it's a video game, but what other challenges are being put in front of me? None. Time for third period apparently. Forensics. A joke of a class. I hate it, the teacher and everything else that has to do with it. But. . . my ears get an hour rest that is well deserved.