This depends on how far back you'd like to take it. Most people. As I'm sure everyone reading this would know. Are just happy, with being themselves. They have things they enjoy and they use these things to label themselves. Or, make sure they don't fit under a label, respectively.
And if you know me, you know I don't. I do random things, none of which make me happy.
So, why? Why am I like this? Good question. I thought about this a lot. And this starts I want to say. . . around 2nd or 3rd grade? If any of you knew me then. You wouldn't of known me. At least peers. Because I wasn't social. I was quite the opposite. My normal day would be spent deep inside a book. Everyday was a new book, and a new identity I loved to live under. I identified myself as that kid who read way too much. I was so dearly obsessed with reading that I would get in trouble just before lunch, so I could stay inside and read instead of going to recess.
So, I imagine you're wondering, "why didn't you stick with that?" Well, there is reason for it. I never really had a Dad to that point. My Father figure was someone who instilled every bad behavior I ever had, or thought about having, deeply into my brain. (I believe this is where my self-destructive behavior came from) Well, being the complete loser he was. He didn't really like books, or anything that had to do with them. He constantly tried to force me outside, make me ride bikes, and play sports. I didn't want to. It wasn't my niche. Well, it didn't matter to him. He'd take books from me and reinforce it as some kind of bad behavior. So I'd go outside and lay down. Occasionally swing? That's about it. I lost what I liked doing at that point.
I was independent before that. Well, then came my life of extreme dependency. I started doing Boy Scouts. I very much enjoyed it. But the people I knew, didn't know me as Collin. They knew me as Markus and John's little nephew. It doesn't sound like a big deal. But it was. I started playing a very big mimic game. For years. I wanted to be just like them. They were popular, and intelligent as they come, and extremely successful at anything they tried. I stopped having things I liked, and I started having things they liked.
John stopped being a major part of my life for a few years. I started living with Doug. This transition was instant. I started aspiring by all means to be Doug. I started playing computer games. Constantly. He played Unreal, I played WoW but we were both playing on the computer and that was good enough for me. I learned basic computer parts and I was then Doug's copy. I started working out with him, lifting exactly what he did, running when he did. I even ate and drank exactly what he did. In this, I found my new me. Well, then Doug left.
So. . . who was I? I wasn't. I was depressed as all hell. I started majorly failing at everything. I kept playing video games, but I started sleeping immense amounts of time everyday. I dated Allisandra. This kept my mind off of things for a few months but even then, honestly, I didn't know who I was. And then, another big part of my life came.
Being broken up with. This changed my life, forever. The one person who I actually at the time, could talk to, or even feel slightly relatable to, told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. Why? Because we didn't have enough in common.
So I was given a mission. To find someone I could relate to. And lie. But not just lie. Lie enough that I convince myself that that is who I am. I couldn't find someone who was just like me. I didn't know who I was.
I tried. I did. But I couldn't find anyone. I basically woke up one day and realized I was a hundred pounds overweight and I was failing. I hated everyone and everything and my standards, were extremely high. I had to find someone I thought successful in their own respects. Someone I could live with being just like.
Well, along came Kassie. She was at the time of meeting her, gorgeous. She was smart. And she was genuinely nice. So I became exactly like her. I started loving my family a ton and being very caring. I did well in school and I stopped sleeping all day. But then, I was broken up with again. I didn't get it. We had a ton in common. Fuck, I made sure of that. But, that wasn't enough. She hated being so far away, and so did I. But I wasn't about to let my identity go. I liked feeling like I knew who I was. Even if that was completely and utterly fake as hell.
A year and a half of trying whole heartedly to make this train wreck of a relationship work. I completely gave up. But if you've learned anything. This was not going to be some kind of long transition, where I take my time. Nope. This was overnight. This was going to be break up on Thursday, date someone new Friday.
Ashley was the next victim. I copied her. Her everything. In my attempts to become just like her, I had pushed her away. I figured her out, I knew what to say and when to say it. I knew how to dress, what to do everyday, and how to make her happy. But it became robotic and the love, the working for her. Had completely stopped. And then she dropped me. Just like a hat.
This was the first time I had truly been single physically and mentally in truly, years. This was traumatizing. I had no idea how to deal with this at all.
But this time. I was adamant. Adamant to find out who I was. So I wrote a ton. Tried to figure out what I liked. I tried playing guitar. I tried reading. I tried playing video games. I tried singing. I tried working out.
And here are the conclusions I have come to.
Singing: I love it. But, I am horrible at it. You really can't be happy loving something you have no talent or capability doing. So, that won't work.
Guitar: I love it. But, my hands are completely fucked up. I can't play for more then five minutes. My hands don't work right. I need surgery for them. I truly do. But, if I did that. I can't join the Air Force. So, no go.
Reading: I love it. This can work. But, you truly can't live an extremely social life by reading all the time. And this will make your parents tell you to go outside and be social.
Video games: I feel like shit. Everytime I even turn on my computer or X-box some voice in the back of my head just calls me a failure. For hours. It's too bothersome for me to define myself by pixels to begin with.
Working out: This works. I enjoy this. The cold weather makes it blow. But I know for a fact if the house has healthy foods, and it's warm out. I'll go the Y everyday.
None the less. I don't have hobbies. I don't know where to even begin. If I look for things I am biased. My mind is already trying to fit in, whether it be with a friend or a girl I like or my family. I can't truly find something that is my own. My true niche in life.
The only thing I was ever reallly reallly good at. Was making people smile. People I like, make me feel incredible. And the reason I believe I strive for relationships is because I have always seen relationships as just friendships just... idk, awesomer? So I like being with someone I can make smile all the time. This defines me. If there was a job for that, I would do it. If that was some kind of activity? I would do it. So if you want to define me or find what makes me happy, it's making other people happy. (And everytime you frown, or raise your voice, or get upset, or pissed, or have a tone, or do something negative to yourselves that ruin your life, it ruins mine 100 fold. I don't know how to deal with it and I become bitter.)
No comments:
Post a Comment