I showed Doug minecraft a few days ago. Since then we have created our own server and spent 10 hours a day building worlds. It's a pretty fun game. I like it, I wish I was a little more creative though. My inability to think of anything to make, makes a building game fail.
None the less, it passes time, keeps me away from texting and my deleted facebook and those are good things. Plus, hanging out with Doug is always fun, eventful, and calming. I feel myself getting attached again. Oh well.
On the Ashley side of life. I miss her. Less by the day. But it is still a lot. She apparently doesn't miss me, at all. I guess that's always good to hear? She hangs out with people I don't know and ignores me for reasons I'll never understand. I won't try. It hurts my brain too much, and my heart a little more. I didn't talk to her or about her for a few days, to anyone. It made me feel better. Life went on.
And then people brought her up in school and started asking me a lot of questions. I threw up all day. At least on the way back to class I was caught for wearing jeans. So then I got to throw up in a waste basket for an hour.
So, now I am texting Ashley. Killing myself ever more quickly. I am fine without her but I have this compulsion to fix things, even though I know if I wanted things to fix I would just leave them be. One of these texts she sends me will make me run upstairs throwing up and crying. So why don't I just turn off my phone? Then I'd be ignoring her. And that would just be 10 steps backwards. So... I'll deal. Maybe even one day she'll treat me like she cares about me at all... Wasn't it three weeks ago she told me she wanted me forever? Oh. . . right. That was for funnies... I get it. Hah. . . kill me.
I am thinking heavily about joining the air-force reserves. Having college money is great. Having spending money is great. Having job training is great. A $20,000 signing bonus would be great. And putting it on my resume would be great. Anddd the 9 weeks of basic, one weekend a month and 2 weeks over the summer isn't a big price to pay.
I know this is more like a diary of useless information buttttt that's all I really want it to be today.
I like Kenzie. She is amazing, and makes me really happy. She is intelligent and beautiful. Her boyfriend is a prick. She deserves better. I don't know how many more times I can handle her calling me crying about him. I don't mind listening, she's my best friend. But honestly, she just needs to get away from him. He's cancer.
Side note. Being single doesn't work for me. I enjoy hugs, kisses, and cuddling too much. Honestly, everything else idgaf. But someone holding you like you're the most important person in the world, it's a feeling that I miss a lot.
I need to find someone more like me. Or at least, what I'd like to be like? Intelligent, funny, nice to be around, and cute. Oh, and straight edge. Honestly, the world is a beautiful and amazing place filled with so much to do. If you really have to drink and do drugs to have fun. gtfo of my life, I don't want or need you.
Drinking and drugs has ruined enough of my life. It gave me a Father I barely know, who barely knows me. A childhood father figure who was traumatizing and scarred me so heavily I can't even catch a football because I flinch like a six year old girl. An ex-girlfriend that destroyed me so heavily I can't believe a single word anyone says anymore. And so many fights and ex-friends that I just don't even need it.
On a completely related note. I went to the Doctor. He gave me medicine to make me like the rest of the world. Able to deal with problems and my emotions. A nice level calm. I don't mind it. I don't know if it really effects me. I still can get just as upset, or just as abnormally happy. I'm glad it didn't make me happy all the time. I'd rather hurt then feel nothing at all.
!! Greyson is coming in to town tomorrow. I forgot about this in the midst of writing. This will as far as I know be the last time I see him before he moves to Georgia. I am excited. I have no idea what we will do while he is in town. I am still in the midst of recovering from my life being shattered which makes me soooo boring/depressing. But still, we will be hanging out daily for two weeks and this is always awesome. I also forgot he was even coming until yesterday. It made me happy. Happy is good. Did you know to be happy you have to have a certain number of hugs a day? It's science.
I want to start working out more. And not like the whole new years resolution thing, but like I used to. I did it to get Ashley the first time. But this is for me. I want to be healthy, I remember how happy it made me.
College. That's happening soon. I don't know where I am going. Pennsylvania, or Georgia for starters. And on top of that, what college in what state. Georgia would be better. Pennsylvania would be easier, and cheaper. I wish I could just have Greyson come back here. I don't like life without a best friend, but life without family isn't exactly much easier. Plus whatever small amount of friends I do have, I would never see. And any new Georgia friends I would never see again after moving post graduation. So that just seems icky. But a change of scenery would be nice. One less Ashley filled. Every damn street corner, room of my house, or locker in the school is a place where I held her hand, or kissed her. It just blows.
People complain life is short. I call bullshit. I regret things in my past and agree time gets faster with age, but life is still long as hell. You have enough time to become anything you want to be. My problem is I have no idea what I want to be. I like making people happy. I want that job.
Mr. Weiss is a great person. He does so much for me. He is the sole reason I am passing school right now. He helps me so much and talks to me. He helps me with my grade. He bumped my 7% to a 100%. .. More like pushed it. I don't know what I would do without him.
I took a calculus test today. I spent 20 minutes studying material I had never seen before. It was 60% of my quarter grade, I am pretty sure I got a 100%...
I take my SATs soon. Like in a week. I need to study...
World of Warcraft. I love the game. I am not in my guild's first raiding group because of my poor attendance. So, truly there is nothing to do. Besides level more characters or grind reputation. No thank you, that's boring. So, I guess I am just waiting for something to happen. I haven't played in a week. I don't mind for now.
A ton of people in my school think I am a Neo-nazi. For real. And I get it. I do. I constantly say racist things, and sound like a bigot. But for my own notes. I'm not. I'm not racist. At all. I actually love people.All of them. I just hate when people live up to the bad expectations and they don't try harder to prove to society and themselves that they are so much more then the typical person. We all are. I just wish people had more self-respect. And sometimes I take the approach that if I am an ignorant bastard someone will rise above the expectation, do something. bassackwards ways of thinking always work.
In times of hardship people always say they miss being a kid, when things were simple. I don't. I don't miss being a kid at all. I just wish people couldn't lie. That's the only part I like about little kid-hood. If you ask C.J. a question he will tell you the truth no matter what, he doesn't know better. He isn't trying to psyche anyone out or make the outcome that would be most favorable to him, he's just honest and accepts the consequences. I wish everyone had that quality.
I miss Lindsey. Or, Miss Glass. She had the best hugs. And was always honest with me. I love her. Truly if I find a girl like her, just like her, I will propose to her on the spot. She's an amazing friend, teacher, coach, and person. I wish she hadn't left. But I'm glad it makes her happy.
I wish promises and people's word still meant as much as it did thousands of years ago. I trust people so easy. And even when I make them earn it, it's only then when they do something to not deserve it...
Every one of my teachers in the last week has told me I am bright, incredible and going places in my life, and that I just need to get out of here and become something great. They all take great interest in me and make me feel so important. But I have no idea how I could ever live up to their wants of me. I don't see what they see.
I hope I find someone who is faithful and honest to me one day. And keeps promises. That's all I could ever ask for.
I want to remember what happened to me. Why I became so negative. I know it happened in sixth grade. I don't remember half of that year. I don't know why. I just know I was never really happy after then. I wish I could remember.
I think that's all I want to talk about for now. I feel a little better. More content. Congratz if you made it this far. You know more about me then anyone else in the world. Honestly.
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