42

I am unsure about who I am. I hate it when people judge me when I don't even know how to judge myself. Life seems so difficult when for some people it seems so easy. I feel like everyone in this world was given a manual on how to live, but I wasn't given mine. I wonder why I don't fit in. These thoughts constantly haunt my mind. I hate how this world works. I hate people. I hate human nature. How are such inhumane things human nature? I hate greed. I hate love. I hate hate. I wish life would just slow down. I hate the fact that I think I might be deep when I type things like this. Are these actually my thoughts? Or I am trying hard to write something deep? I think I am incapable of feeling deep emotion. I've never cried at a funeral. I've never been happy at a wedding. I rarely smile. I feel very shallow. I hate posers. Does that make me one myself? I don't know why I'm writing my thoughts up here. Maybe it's to vent. Maybe it's because I want to impress people. I'm not sure. I hate myself. I feel so conflicted. I wish the world was easy and I could just find out who I am. I plan out conversation I might have with people so I can be less awkward around these people. I just don't really know what to do. I truthfully hope no one reads this. However, I also want people to read this. I feel very nervous right now. I am conflicted whether or now to show or censor this all out. I don't think I ever told anyone what I typed here. I will probably end up not censoring this. I hate the fact I hope people will be impressed. I hate that I want to impress anyone. I hate it when people look at me weird. I hate how ignorant people are. I hate it even more when I am ignorant. What is wrong with me? Why did got put me on earth? I don't like me... Does anyone else analyze themselves like this? Is something wrong with me because I do? Is it sad that I find comfort if I characterize myself as insane so that I have a reason for who I am? Is it sad that I have all these thoughts in me? Do you care? Do...I care? It's easy for you to tell me to not go, or to not end my life or to not be apathetic. The hard part is actually giving a shit about me once I decide to stick around. Whenever I think "Who the fuck cares?" My heart says, "well. . . you do stupid." Am I misunderstood? Or am I just wrong about everything? Are the things I blame myself for, my fault? I think I'm ugly. I find myself pathetic. I have no personality. I really have no life. I just waste my life in front of a computer. No one wants to date me. Why am I still alive? I have no purpose. You should just kill yourself and do everyone a big favor.. When I talk to someone for help is it sick that that's what I want to hear? Do I want to hear it because I feel it's true, or because I want to rise to the challenge of being worth something? Is anyone worth anything? There is six billion of us. What if god doesn't exist? What if we just die? Why be a good person? Is it wrong I want you to cry for me? I want you to miss me, just like I miss you. I want you to need me like I needed you. That I want you to love me someday, when I don't love you. So you hurt just like me. Did you know I used to sleep two hours a night? For months? Years? Now I sleep 12 hours a day, and it's never enough. Why am I so tired? Why do I dream everynight now? I hate my dreams. They remind me that it's not okay. I love my dreams... everything is okay. You know what? Thank you. Thank you all because you've showed me love. A love so honest and unconditional I never knew I was capable of it. But you you know what? Fuck you people who didn't want it. Fuck you because before you, I never knew a passion like I had for life. And you know who I really hate? John Sutton. Fuck you. Fuck you so hard in the fucking face. Remember when I was happy all the time? Remember when I enjoyed life? I don't asshole. I don't one fucking bit. Because you, took that away. You told me every god damn day how much nothing I was. That special type of nothing that shouldn't even exist. Every god damn fucking time someone moves by me too quick I flinch. I am so afraid to this god damn day of being hit. You piece of shit. You know why I don't like pets? Because dogs remind me of Rocky. Remember him? Probably not. You attempted to kill him in alcohol induced rages a few times. Cause he ate a pillow. That's not fucking traumatizing. Nope, not even a little. You were not a direct cause of years of depression and not feeling good enough to do anything. You made me afraid to sleep. So damn afraid. What if I fell asleep and I just I don't know? Died because I had my tv on past 9 and you decided to kick the fucking shit out of me? or I would wake up to my Mom screaming to call the police. Or hell, maybe my Mom didn't make it this time, maybe you were just drunk enough. Thanks for the insomnia, asshole. A big fuck you to my Dad, woahhh you're such a fucking hypocrite.. Really. Thanks, a ton. I hate men because of you. I hate them. I really refuse to have friends who are guys because of you. You're a fucking drunk. Really, I have no idea how you wake up everyday without feeling like you should kill yourself. Your children hate you. I hope you know. Thank you for all of the help with college Dad. At least you tried to be emotional support, or fuck any kind of support? Can't help pay for it can you..? Nope, cuz beer>college. I understand that, I was a complete loser once too. Thanks for Nick though. Without your douche ass I wouldn't have someone who actually supported their family and cares. I wish soooo bad I had a chance to change my last name. I'd wear it proudly. It's less intoxicated. Guess what? I found a way to watch videos in your head. High definition, instant replays. It's called having assholes in your regret filled life. Did you know I lie to myself a ton? Like a lot. I do it so damn well that I truly convince myself that it's the way things are. I get confused on all of my lies sometimes. I skip class a lot. Almost everyday. I blame it on Ashley. I blame it on my grades. I blame it on my bad day. It's all my fault. I know it's my fault. And I know that this only hurts me. It's so hard to care. It's so hard to just wake up everyday. Everyone says live for yourself but truly I don't see the point. What is life if it's not lived for others. Have you ever made someone smile who was crying? Please explain to me a better feeling in the world. I don't care how skilled I am at things, or about my grades, I don't even really care what I do for the rest of my life. I just want to help people. That's why I wanted to be a doctor. But I've realized, they are overpaid. Not that they haven't deserved this, but truly if I want to help people.... How can I feel like I am helping anyone if I go home to a mansion with hundreds of thousands of dollars of shit in it. When people die everyday because they don't even have food. Is it bad that I don't get effected by those commercials? I do want to help. Sometimes I even know I can, but I don't. I tell myself I can't. I feel too small to do anything. I feel like I'm a jerk. But I am just bitter and angry and jealous at everyone else and how easy they have it. I'm not a bad person.. I just lost hope in the world and it's people... What else can I do? Be the change I want to see in the world? I'm just one person. Can I really make a difference? As a Doctor I'm just filling a spot that any other doctor could fill. I am thinking about going into a humanities major. That's what Kenzie wants to do too. Miss Glass told us we should.. Is it bad I want to because Kenzie is? Is it bad I care what your opinion is? I shouldn't. I have valid reasons. Even if they're invalid, who cares? It's what I want. Maybe I will go into humanities as a poly-sci major. I try to ask myself everyday, "If today was your last day, what would you do?" And, then I realize... today isn't my last day. I want to go to sleep. Why can't I psyche myself out? People do it all the time. Why do I see around every ploy I make to myself to be a better person. I see right through every trick people have. Just tell yourself this, just do this. No, I'm not that stupid. I think all day and all I think is "Wow, telling myself this isn't going to do shit." And I can't convince myself otherwise. I wonder if I died tomorrow who would miss me. I know that sounds all horrible. But really, I wonder. What are we? Do we really have souls? I wonder if I died, and god existed, if I would go to heaven or hell. Am I a good person? Is anyone a good person? Is anyone else scared by the fact that if you as a person were so special that you were one in a billion, that there is six other people... just like you? Scientists say every snowflake is completely unique. Did they look at every piece of snow? I really bet that over the billions of years it's snowed that at least two were the same.. How do people deny we're nothing more then chemicals? There are chemicals that have been invented that make us feel things. Feel paranoid, feel sad, feel happy... Everyone knows that. If it was our soul.. why would we be effected? Don't you feel like adults believing in god is like adults with imaginary friends? Do you know why marijuana was banned in the united states? It was a smear campaign because it was cheaper to produce then trees, and better for the environment. Also the government doesn't want lazy people who don't support the economy and our way of life. Since drugs in general make you happy without acquiring things the media claims you need to be happy, of course they'd be made illegal. That makes sense, doesn't it? Alcohol is worse for you. It causes more problems. It kills people and leaves you completely unable to make decisions. You even get addicted. But... that's easily taxable. Why is it easily taxable? It's not too easy to make alcohol. So companies do it. But to sell it, you need a license. With other drugs.. it's not that easy to regulate. Why do people hate people who do drugs? I don't understand it very much. We're all brought up to be told that they're all evil. Just like tattoos. That those things makes you a horrible person. What makes you a good person exactly? Being in a stable relationship with a good job? Who... exactly decided that for us? Only if someones government salary depended on that belief... oh. Wait, it does. We're all very gullable. I am too. I spent seventeen years thinking that this life was worth living. It's clearly not. At least not for me. Not right now. I would end it right here. This blog. This life. But that would make some people sad. And maybe if this life isn't worth living for me. I can make it worth living for someone else. That's why I live my life around other people. I just want to make someone happy. That makes me feel good. Isn't that what life is about? Did I just answer the question of the point to life? I think so. Hah. Billions of years, and I did it. 42 my ass.