What is teh internetzors?

Lmao. I know I just blogged but come on. This is a must watch.
http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2011/01/31/today-flashback-katie-couric-whats-an-internet/?hpt=C2
CNN is a comedy network today it seems.

Terror Alert Color: Brown.

"Hundreds of people recently jammed themselves into a basement in New York City to listen to people with names like Mohammed, Nader, Aasif and Maysoon. What were they up to? Should the authorities be contacted? Is it time to raise the terror alert?"
LOL CNN I love you.
Source: http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/01/31/obeidallah.brown.comedy/index.html?hpt=C2
That made my day. =]

Morning Sunday.

I sleep 14 hours a day now. Not being tired is nice. But it makes doing anything productive hard. Seeing as at least 8 hours of every single day is filled with utter bullshit. Whether it be school or watching T.V. and staring at a wall. . . wondering where all the time just went.
I hope this goes away. Days are turning into weeks, and apparently weeks have already turned into months... It still feels like this has just been one long day. Nothing seems to truly change round here.

Today's events!

I went to the Y today when I woke up. I ran and lifted for a while. I got down to my last few workouts, abs. And my first weighted sit up rep, my stomach convulsed. And I ran to the bathroom and threw up.
So, here is the conclusion I have come to: My stomach is still really weak and I need to be careful.
I came home and ate eggs and toast. Shit was cash. =]
I feel soooooo much better after working out. Partly from feeling productive, partly from throwing up. Yes, throwing up makes me feel better. Why? Because half my worries come from worrying about throwing up. If I just threw up, I am not going to again for a while and all the pain this can put me through, is already dealt. Sooo, it calms me and I feel better for a while. I am happy right now. I am taking my sister to the mall and then I have no idea. Probably something video game related. Or poke Greyson. Maybeh.
He won't reply tho. >.> Cause he's a lameeeeeee.
I miss Kenzie.

Headache.

I have one. And it sucks. I haven't talked to Ashley in a few days. She was talking to me, it was going well. I thought? I told her that I was sorry for everything, I loved her lots, and I would be whatever she wanted me to be in her life. Boyfriend, best friend, friend, somebody she just saw in the hallways, or gone. She never texted me back.
So I guess. . . that means. Gone? *shrug* I can do that.
I come home and watch T.V. til' Doug wants to play games. Then I never have to think. When I think, I think of her. When I think of her, I think of *forever*. Blah.
I am sick of taking 20 some pills a day just to function well enough that I don't throw up every five fucking seconds.
She's happy though. And that makes me happy. I just wish my body would cooperate. I'm happy. I don't get it. I enjoy 99% of my day and smile about everything and my body is still sick. I want to know why. =/
Time to take more Tums and Advil. This self-destructive behavior of mine could never end badly, right?

Life.

It's happening. I had a good day. I think. Who knows :)

House of Reflection.

Much like the halls of reflection. But, in a house. I stayed home today. 99% intentionally. I was tired and just wanted to sleep an extra hour but completely honestly I hoped my Mom wouldn't wake me up.
So I thought a lot. I dreamed a lot. And I've come to several conclusions. In no particular order.

- I need to start working out again. I miss working out a ton and the excuse that it's cold outside is bullshit and who the hell am I trying to tell this excuse to? It's not benefiting me.

-Ashley is not my girlfriend. She is not my best friend. She is not even my friend at this point. She has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me and I am a horrible person. And honestly, she's not wrong at this point.

-I need to study for ASL I can't just ride on my ability to guess extremely well on tests for the rest of my life. It's personally acceptable to me in classes that I don't care about in any way at all. But seeing as I am doing this in classes that will honestly effect the rest of my life, I need to stop and spend the hour a day doing some damn work.

-I am going to start playing WoW again. And video games in general. They are fun. Half of my vocabulary comes from those games. And half of my friends and good memories come from them. Sounds sad? Well, sucks it's not your life.

-I am for the first time in my life, second guessing med school. Not because I couldn't do it, or that I wouldn't enjoy helping people and the hundred hour work weeks. But because when I think of my life in twenty years I have no desire to be a doctor. I don't want to be on call at 2 am with my family at home. I want to make video games. Not the creative side, but the technical side. It's my passion and it's something I'd really love to be a part of. Working around people who at least enjoy the same things as me, helping be part of something bigger then myself sounds great. How else can someone leave a mark in a world with six billion people.

-Give up on bad friends. I miss being buried in books in school. Being popular is fucking over-rated. I have a million and a half friends, everyone in school knows me, but maybe two people could actually name one thing I like to do? Or anything about me?

-Get a job. I want to. But this is low on the priority list.

-Make a decision that has been on my mind for the last month. More and more so everyday.

-Play guitar. I want to learn for god sakes.

-Be a better family member. I cause 100 problems a day and fix 0.

-Forgive myself. For everything. Move on. Six billion people. Fish in the sea. You're only 17. Yeah... all that crap people tell you. I need to believe it.

I'm going to go bother Doug. My drugs are kicking in. Now I am just like all of you.

Weird.

Normally looking at pictures of my past upsets me. Seeing who I was. That I was an overweight kid who did nothing but read and play video games. I wanted to push myself away from that person I was. He had no friends and was lame.
But... you know what? The friends he did have, really liked him. He enjoyed playing games, and was happy. And that kid would be getting in to college right now. And... that kid never had to try to be someone he wasn't. I miss being made fun of. At least I was being made fun of for who I was, and not praised for who I'm not.
I miss my best friends. And I miss my WoW buddies. And I miss school coming to me effortlessly. I want my life back. Do these stupid mistakes I made have to follow me everyday?
Old pictures upset me more now. I was great. Fml.

Me in a nutshell

Pathetic. I'm becoming that person I swore I'd never be. And apathy is kicking my ass.

Hai peoplez =/

Err. So. I am trying. Trying to make things better. This is just causing me horrible stress. I can't stand this. Fml. Smillleeee...

Life

It goes on. :) And with less stress.
I still love you life. Even if you made me a little sad.

Sleeeeeep

I wish I could do that for more then ten minutes at a time. It. Sucks.

And all that I can do, is just laugh.

I am done being nice to girls. Ever. Friends? Sure. I don't want anymore then that until I am done with college. They have officially fucked up enough of my life now. Ashley, amazing girl that she is has already found someone else to date. Which doesn't really make me upset or mad. All that I can honestly do is laugh at myself and her.
She won't find someone better. And I kind of have to stop and laugh at the fact that I believed her when she said forever. I mean come on. It's Ashley.
I am not going to talk any shit about her. I am glad she's happy. I just have learned my lesson. Girls are poison. And that's how they will be treated. Waste o' time.

'Nuff said.

Minecraft. Oh and life.(this will bore you!)

I showed Doug minecraft a few days ago. Since then we have created our own server and spent 10 hours a day building worlds. It's a pretty fun game. I like it, I wish I was a little more creative though. My inability to think of anything to make, makes a building game fail.
None the less, it passes time, keeps me away from texting and my deleted facebook and those are good things. Plus, hanging out with Doug is always fun, eventful, and calming. I feel myself getting attached again. Oh well.
On the Ashley side of life. I miss her. Less by the day. But it is still a lot. She apparently doesn't miss me, at all. I guess that's always good to hear? She hangs out with people I don't know and ignores me for reasons I'll never understand. I won't try. It hurts my brain too much, and my heart a little more. I didn't talk to her or about her for a few days, to anyone. It made me feel better. Life went on.
And then people brought her up in school and started asking me a lot of questions. I threw up all day. At least on the way back to class I was caught for wearing jeans. So then I got to throw up in a waste basket for an hour.
So, now I am texting Ashley. Killing myself ever more quickly. I am fine without her but I have this compulsion to fix things, even though I know if I wanted things to fix I would just leave them be. One of these texts she sends me will make me run upstairs throwing up and crying. So why don't I just turn off my phone? Then I'd be ignoring her. And that would just be 10 steps backwards. So... I'll deal. Maybe even one day she'll treat me like she cares about me at all... Wasn't it three weeks ago she told me she wanted me forever? Oh. . . right. That was for funnies... I get it. Hah. . . kill me.
I am thinking heavily about joining the air-force reserves. Having college money is great. Having spending money is great. Having job training is great. A $20,000 signing bonus would be great. And putting it on my resume would be great. Anddd the 9 weeks of basic, one weekend a month and 2 weeks over the summer isn't a big price to pay.


I know this is more like a diary of useless information buttttt that's all I really want it to be today.


I like Kenzie. She is amazing, and makes me really happy. She is intelligent and beautiful. Her boyfriend is a prick. She deserves better. I don't know how many more times I can handle her calling me crying about him. I don't mind listening, she's my best friend. But honestly, she just needs to get away from him. He's cancer.

Side note. Being single doesn't work for me. I enjoy hugs, kisses, and cuddling too much. Honestly, everything else idgaf. But someone holding you like you're the most important person in the world, it's a feeling that I miss a lot.

I need to find someone more like me. Or at least, what I'd like to be like? Intelligent, funny, nice to be around, and cute. Oh, and straight edge. Honestly, the world is a beautiful and amazing place filled with so much to do. If you really have to drink and do drugs to have fun. gtfo of my life, I don't want or need you.

Drinking and drugs has ruined enough of my life. It gave me a Father I barely know, who barely knows me. A childhood father figure who was traumatizing and scarred me so heavily I can't even catch a football because I flinch like a six year old girl. An ex-girlfriend that destroyed me so heavily I can't believe a single word anyone says anymore. And so many fights and ex-friends that I just don't even need it.

On a completely related note. I went to the Doctor. He gave me medicine to make me like the rest of the world. Able to deal with problems and my emotions. A nice level calm. I don't mind it. I don't know if it really effects me. I still can get just as upset, or just as abnormally happy. I'm glad it didn't make me happy all the time. I'd rather hurt then feel nothing at all.

!! Greyson is coming in to town tomorrow. I forgot about this in the midst of writing. This will as far as I know be the last time I see him before he moves to Georgia. I am excited. I have no idea what we will do while he is in town. I am still in the midst of recovering from my life being shattered which makes me soooo boring/depressing. But still, we will be hanging out daily for two weeks and this is always awesome. I also forgot he was even coming until yesterday. It made me happy. Happy is good. Did you know to be happy you have to have a certain number of hugs a day? It's science.

I want to start working out more. And not like the whole new years resolution thing, but like I used to. I did it to get Ashley the first time. But this is for me. I want to be healthy, I remember how happy it made me.

College. That's happening soon. I don't know where I am going. Pennsylvania, or Georgia for starters. And on top of that, what college in what state. Georgia would be better. Pennsylvania would be easier, and cheaper. I wish I could just have Greyson come back here. I don't like life without a best friend, but life without family isn't exactly much easier. Plus whatever small amount of friends I do have, I would never see. And any new Georgia friends I would never see again after moving post graduation. So that just seems icky. But a change of scenery would be nice. One less Ashley filled. Every damn street corner, room of my house, or locker in the school is a place where I held her hand, or kissed her. It just blows.

People complain life is short. I call bullshit. I regret things in my past and agree time gets faster with age, but life is still long as hell. You have enough time to become anything you want to be. My problem is I have no idea what I want to be. I like making people happy. I want that job.

Mr. Weiss is a great person. He does so much for me. He is the sole reason I am passing school right now. He helps me so much and talks to me. He helps me with my grade. He bumped my 7% to a 100%. .. More like pushed it. I don't know what I would do without him.

I took a calculus test today. I spent 20 minutes studying material I had never seen before. It was 60% of my quarter grade, I am pretty sure I got a 100%...

I take my SATs soon. Like in a week. I need to study...

World of Warcraft. I love the game. I am not in my guild's first raiding group because of my poor attendance. So, truly there is nothing to do. Besides level more characters or grind reputation. No thank you, that's boring. So, I guess I am just waiting for something to happen. I haven't played in a week. I don't mind for now.

A ton of people in my school think I am a Neo-nazi. For real. And I get it. I do. I constantly say racist things, and sound like a bigot. But for my own notes. I'm not. I'm not racist. At all. I actually love people.All of them. I just hate when people live up to the bad expectations and they don't try harder to prove to society and themselves that they are so much more then the typical person. We all are. I just wish people had more self-respect. And sometimes I take the approach that if I am an ignorant bastard someone will rise above the expectation, do something. bassackwards ways of thinking always work.

In times of hardship people always say they miss being a kid, when things were simple. I don't. I don't miss being a kid at all. I just wish people couldn't lie. That's the only part I like about little kid-hood. If you ask C.J. a question he will tell you the truth no matter what, he doesn't know better. He isn't trying to psyche anyone out or make the outcome that would be most favorable to him, he's just honest and accepts the consequences. I wish everyone had that quality.

I miss Lindsey. Or, Miss Glass. She had the best hugs. And was always honest with me. I love her. Truly if I find a girl like her, just like her, I will propose to her on the spot. She's an amazing friend, teacher, coach, and person. I wish she hadn't left. But I'm glad it makes her happy.

I wish promises and people's word still meant as much as it did thousands of years ago. I trust people so easy. And even when I make them earn it, it's only then when they do something to not deserve it...

Every one of my teachers in the last week has told me I am bright, incredible and going places in my life, and that I just need to get out of here and become something great. They all take great interest in me and make me feel so important. But I have no idea how I could ever live up to their wants of me. I don't see what they see.

I hope I find someone who is faithful and honest to me one day. And keeps promises. That's all I could ever ask for.

I want to remember what happened to me. Why I became so negative. I know it happened in sixth grade. I don't remember half of that year. I don't know why. I just know I was never really happy after then. I wish I could remember.

I think that's all I want to talk about for now. I feel a little better. More content. Congratz if you made it this far. You know more about me then anyone else in the world. Honestly.

Saturday in the park, I think it was the 8th of January?

Nope. I didn't go to the park. Today I woke up late as hell for an ASL competition but somehow made it there on time. ASL to me, means Academic Sports League. Not age/sex/location, or any def people thing.
It's a long day of testing, giving speeches, being interviewed and being amongst friends. These are always happy days! Today less so then normal. . . but still happy! I did decent-ish on most categories. I got a medal in speech. Which means I was in the top three of the speech giving category. The two who beat me went to the same judge who handed out perfect scores all day, go figure. But none the less I did insanely well.
My judge cried. She gave me a hug and told me I was inspirational. It meant a lot. Not as much as it would of from someone I knew, but the gesture is the same. Maybe more so? Friends are friends when they want to be. She was a volunteer, she didn't have to do anything but write down some scores.
I saw old friends from Harborcreek. As I always do at those things. It was nice. I miss that school. To an extent. I miss some of the environment. The educational system is just so much better there.
People made plans to go to the mall with me after the competition. I was blown off. This may sound bad and all. But, I can't remember the last time I hung out with friends. I've seen Greyson, Kenzie, and Jared a few times. Truly my life is empty of social interaction.
But I guess that is to expected when you plan your life around someone? My ability to deal with this situation goes up and down. I utterly miss her. Like I couldn't imagine. Some days I can cope. I keep myself busy and look towards the sky and say everything will be okay. And genuinely I am better. But somedays I want to walk up to her and kiss her and hug her and for everything to be better.
So here I sit, with another night of being alone with no plans. Normally Ashley would be here, and we would be holding each other. I wish I could re-live all those moments. I severely unappreciated them.
The only thing I will never get about this all. How someone could promise you forever, look you dead in the eye and say they loved you and this would never end. And then to tell you that it won't workout. That nothing will fix this. I can't understand. No matter how much I try.
I just hope she's happy. Her smile lets me know everything will be okay.

I know. It's been forever.

So I started writing this blog out of sheer bliss. I was loving life and thought everything would be perfect forever. Well, it is perfect. Though it's not always happy, there is happiness to be found in that thought.
The bad times are what make the good times, good. I mean, we would never know we were extremely happy unless, we had some time of complete misery to use as a reference point.
Well this night will forever and always be my reference point. The reason I will never let another thing bring me down. I've lost the girl of my dreams. But not just that, I lost my best friend.
Ashley, has been hands down, the most important person in my life since we became friends. Not only did I go to her for everything, she came to me. The first part was comforting, the second part was life changing.
Feeling so important to someone really changed me. It gave me the strength to deal with all my problems a thousand times over. I felt like someone counted on me that I couldn't let down.

For the last few weeks I have felt completely destroyed. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. I couldn't feel happy, or even upset. I felt numb. My body rejected food just as much as my mind did. Taking in anything to continue the existence I was living felt truly torturous.

But, I didn't write this to complain. I wrote this as a constant reference point for myself. To remember that if I can make it through this with a smile, I can make it through anything...

I plan on blogging a lot more. Not because of my newly found free time. But, to make sure I keep myself busy. Busy in a way that doesn't just take up time, but makes me feel better about who I am.

I have spent so much of my living for other people. Trying to follow one persons ideas and having no true concepts of my own. I truly couldn't tell you my favorite things to do, or my favorite sport, or what really makes me happy.

So here goes.

Collin's Life Chapter Two: Finding inner happiness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIL_2gVu2Oo&feature=related