Life status update.

Greyson is in town! We got Rift. It is an awesome game. I could explain the awesomeness, but it would take forever.
Ashley's existence makes me want to punch babies again. I am just done with 4th period. I refuse to attend. I walk in, get a pass, walk out. No thanks, not worth my time. People always say "weigh your options." And, I did.
Pros: None.
Cons: I throw up a ton, get pissed off, feel like shit, ineviatabley text Ashley, hate my life, and then go vent to Kenzie. Nothing makes you more unattractive to someone then having problems. Soo, I need to make my problems go away. For me and my dating life. Which I believe will be non-existent til' I get back from AIT anyway.
It's not fair to get into a real relationship right now. And that's the only kind of relationship I will allow myself to get into. If not I am just using them, and that's crap. I have been there enough to know it is just not somewhere you would ever ever want to be. So...
I am going to the YMCA in about 5 minutes. I haven't decided what to work on today. I really want to do chest and abs and forearms. They are my favorites. Everything else is blah. I can do it, but I don't care. Oh, and shoulders. Mine are getting puny as hell. Being 6' 3'' it makes me look awkward.

I got the magic in me.

I got the magic baby!

Monday

12:00am-1:30am:Hanging out with Doug.
1:31am: Take sleeping pills.
1:31am-5:30am: sleep
5:30am-5:45am :change and pack bookbag
5:45am-6:15am:walk to the Y
6:15am-6:45am:run
6:45am-6:50am: protein shake+banana
6:50am-7:20am:walk home
7:20am-7:50am:talk to Greyson/listen to music
7:50am-7:55am:change for school
7:55am-8:00am:leave for school
8:00am-8:15am:Talk to Jared.
8:15am-9:17am:English.
9:17am-10:19am:Play a game in Economics. Laugh genuinely for the first and last time today.
10:19am-11:00am:Skip forensics, talk to Mr.Kitchen about graduating. Told that my graduation is completely dependent on Mr.Herring's decision. Told I am missing 18 days illegally, to graduate you must have less then 10.
11:00am-11:21am:Walk to Mr.Weiss' to ride out the rest of forensics. Read the SV newspaper, and snuggle into the couch. Text Ashley. Tell her I hope she gets better, she wasn't in second period.
11:22am-12:30pm: Human systems. Talk to the teacher and Taylor. Smile that Ashley is still not in school, but truly wish she was.
12:30pm-1:00pm: Lunch. Ulmer wasn't here... I had to go down to the lunchroom. Get stopped for dress code. Talk my way out of it. Eat food. Sit at a table filled with people I don't know.
1:00pm-2:05pm: Sociology. Start doing work. Jared and Kenzie won't leave me alone. I was on edge and I didn't want to snap. I did anyway. I told Kenzie her ex boyfriend will be nothing but bullet catcher when he joins the military. Tell Jared out loud that I am sick of her stupid shit and she needs to grow up.
2:05pm-3:07pm: Calculus. Write down notes. Get told I have four quizzes and a test to make up. I have a 22%. Told I won't pass this quarter. Talk to Lexy. Eat a piece of pie in honor of pi day.
3:07pm-3:30pm: go home.
3:30pm-3:45m:Eat dinner, change, talk to nick and mom.
3:45pm-4:00pm: go to doug's hair appt.
4:00pm-5:30pm:doug's hair appt.
5:30pm-6:00pm: shop at best buy. Buy rainbow six.
6:00pm-6:15pm: go home.
6:15pm-7:00pm:install rainbow six.
7:00pm-7:05pm:play rainbox six.
7:05pm-8:00pm:sit around waiting to do something. but don't. sit on fb and read /b/ out of boredem.
8:00pm-9:00pm:text ashley. get told she doesn't care about me, at all. Cry a lot. Cry so hard my stomach starts to hurt. Throwup a lot.
9:00pm-10:00pm:Talk to Nick. Realize that I don't miss Ashley, I just miss her taking up my time with happiness. Realize I need to find something that makes me happy.
10:00pm-11:00pm:. Set up black ops and my computer in Doug's room.
11:00pm-11:41pm:Spam Greyson on fb to no avail. Write this blog to make myself realize that my life doesn't revolve around Ashley. And even on days when she is a huge deal and has a huge effect. She truly makes up an hour of my day.
11:42pm:Realize I am truly over her, that I will for a while yearn for that feeling and will even think of ashley and think that's the solution. But realize that she is not the same person, and barely effects me anymore.
11:43pm:Realize I am growing up.
11:44pm: Deep breath.
11:45pm: Feel proud of myself for making it through another day. A productive one at that. I know things will get better. I just know it.

And that was the day.

That I promised I'd never speak of love, if it does not exist.

Hmm.

A million gallons of pee later.

Gotta be somebody..

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there 'cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares. Someone to love with my life in their hands, there's gotta be somebody for me like that. 'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own, and everyone wants to know they're not alone. There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere. There's gotta be somebody for me out there..

You can't give up, looking for a diamond in the rough. You never know when it shows up. Make sure you're holding on, 'cause she could be the one, the one you're waiting on.

42

I am unsure about who I am. I hate it when people judge me when I don't even know how to judge myself. Life seems so difficult when for some people it seems so easy. I feel like everyone in this world was given a manual on how to live, but I wasn't given mine. I wonder why I don't fit in. These thoughts constantly haunt my mind. I hate how this world works. I hate people. I hate human nature. How are such inhumane things human nature? I hate greed. I hate love. I hate hate. I wish life would just slow down. I hate the fact that I think I might be deep when I type things like this. Are these actually my thoughts? Or I am trying hard to write something deep? I think I am incapable of feeling deep emotion. I've never cried at a funeral. I've never been happy at a wedding. I rarely smile. I feel very shallow. I hate posers. Does that make me one myself? I don't know why I'm writing my thoughts up here. Maybe it's to vent. Maybe it's because I want to impress people. I'm not sure. I hate myself. I feel so conflicted. I wish the world was easy and I could just find out who I am. I plan out conversation I might have with people so I can be less awkward around these people. I just don't really know what to do. I truthfully hope no one reads this. However, I also want people to read this. I feel very nervous right now. I am conflicted whether or now to show or censor this all out. I don't think I ever told anyone what I typed here. I will probably end up not censoring this. I hate the fact I hope people will be impressed. I hate that I want to impress anyone. I hate it when people look at me weird. I hate how ignorant people are. I hate it even more when I am ignorant. What is wrong with me? Why did got put me on earth? I don't like me... Does anyone else analyze themselves like this? Is something wrong with me because I do? Is it sad that I find comfort if I characterize myself as insane so that I have a reason for who I am? Is it sad that I have all these thoughts in me? Do you care? Do...I care? It's easy for you to tell me to not go, or to not end my life or to not be apathetic. The hard part is actually giving a shit about me once I decide to stick around. Whenever I think "Who the fuck cares?" My heart says, "well. . . you do stupid." Am I misunderstood? Or am I just wrong about everything? Are the things I blame myself for, my fault? I think I'm ugly. I find myself pathetic. I have no personality. I really have no life. I just waste my life in front of a computer. No one wants to date me. Why am I still alive? I have no purpose. You should just kill yourself and do everyone a big favor.. When I talk to someone for help is it sick that that's what I want to hear? Do I want to hear it because I feel it's true, or because I want to rise to the challenge of being worth something? Is anyone worth anything? There is six billion of us. What if god doesn't exist? What if we just die? Why be a good person? Is it wrong I want you to cry for me? I want you to miss me, just like I miss you. I want you to need me like I needed you. That I want you to love me someday, when I don't love you. So you hurt just like me. Did you know I used to sleep two hours a night? For months? Years? Now I sleep 12 hours a day, and it's never enough. Why am I so tired? Why do I dream everynight now? I hate my dreams. They remind me that it's not okay. I love my dreams... everything is okay. You know what? Thank you. Thank you all because you've showed me love. A love so honest and unconditional I never knew I was capable of it. But you you know what? Fuck you people who didn't want it. Fuck you because before you, I never knew a passion like I had for life. And you know who I really hate? John Sutton. Fuck you. Fuck you so hard in the fucking face. Remember when I was happy all the time? Remember when I enjoyed life? I don't asshole. I don't one fucking bit. Because you, took that away. You told me every god damn day how much nothing I was. That special type of nothing that shouldn't even exist. Every god damn fucking time someone moves by me too quick I flinch. I am so afraid to this god damn day of being hit. You piece of shit. You know why I don't like pets? Because dogs remind me of Rocky. Remember him? Probably not. You attempted to kill him in alcohol induced rages a few times. Cause he ate a pillow. That's not fucking traumatizing. Nope, not even a little. You were not a direct cause of years of depression and not feeling good enough to do anything. You made me afraid to sleep. So damn afraid. What if I fell asleep and I just I don't know? Died because I had my tv on past 9 and you decided to kick the fucking shit out of me? or I would wake up to my Mom screaming to call the police. Or hell, maybe my Mom didn't make it this time, maybe you were just drunk enough. Thanks for the insomnia, asshole. A big fuck you to my Dad, woahhh you're such a fucking hypocrite.. Really. Thanks, a ton. I hate men because of you. I hate them. I really refuse to have friends who are guys because of you. You're a fucking drunk. Really, I have no idea how you wake up everyday without feeling like you should kill yourself. Your children hate you. I hope you know. Thank you for all of the help with college Dad. At least you tried to be emotional support, or fuck any kind of support? Can't help pay for it can you..? Nope, cuz beer>college. I understand that, I was a complete loser once too. Thanks for Nick though. Without your douche ass I wouldn't have someone who actually supported their family and cares. I wish soooo bad I had a chance to change my last name. I'd wear it proudly. It's less intoxicated. Guess what? I found a way to watch videos in your head. High definition, instant replays. It's called having assholes in your regret filled life. Did you know I lie to myself a ton? Like a lot. I do it so damn well that I truly convince myself that it's the way things are. I get confused on all of my lies sometimes. I skip class a lot. Almost everyday. I blame it on Ashley. I blame it on my grades. I blame it on my bad day. It's all my fault. I know it's my fault. And I know that this only hurts me. It's so hard to care. It's so hard to just wake up everyday. Everyone says live for yourself but truly I don't see the point. What is life if it's not lived for others. Have you ever made someone smile who was crying? Please explain to me a better feeling in the world. I don't care how skilled I am at things, or about my grades, I don't even really care what I do for the rest of my life. I just want to help people. That's why I wanted to be a doctor. But I've realized, they are overpaid. Not that they haven't deserved this, but truly if I want to help people.... How can I feel like I am helping anyone if I go home to a mansion with hundreds of thousands of dollars of shit in it. When people die everyday because they don't even have food. Is it bad that I don't get effected by those commercials? I do want to help. Sometimes I even know I can, but I don't. I tell myself I can't. I feel too small to do anything. I feel like I'm a jerk. But I am just bitter and angry and jealous at everyone else and how easy they have it. I'm not a bad person.. I just lost hope in the world and it's people... What else can I do? Be the change I want to see in the world? I'm just one person. Can I really make a difference? As a Doctor I'm just filling a spot that any other doctor could fill. I am thinking about going into a humanities major. That's what Kenzie wants to do too. Miss Glass told us we should.. Is it bad I want to because Kenzie is? Is it bad I care what your opinion is? I shouldn't. I have valid reasons. Even if they're invalid, who cares? It's what I want. Maybe I will go into humanities as a poly-sci major. I try to ask myself everyday, "If today was your last day, what would you do?" And, then I realize... today isn't my last day. I want to go to sleep. Why can't I psyche myself out? People do it all the time. Why do I see around every ploy I make to myself to be a better person. I see right through every trick people have. Just tell yourself this, just do this. No, I'm not that stupid. I think all day and all I think is "Wow, telling myself this isn't going to do shit." And I can't convince myself otherwise. I wonder if I died tomorrow who would miss me. I know that sounds all horrible. But really, I wonder. What are we? Do we really have souls? I wonder if I died, and god existed, if I would go to heaven or hell. Am I a good person? Is anyone a good person? Is anyone else scared by the fact that if you as a person were so special that you were one in a billion, that there is six other people... just like you? Scientists say every snowflake is completely unique. Did they look at every piece of snow? I really bet that over the billions of years it's snowed that at least two were the same.. How do people deny we're nothing more then chemicals? There are chemicals that have been invented that make us feel things. Feel paranoid, feel sad, feel happy... Everyone knows that. If it was our soul.. why would we be effected? Don't you feel like adults believing in god is like adults with imaginary friends? Do you know why marijuana was banned in the united states? It was a smear campaign because it was cheaper to produce then trees, and better for the environment. Also the government doesn't want lazy people who don't support the economy and our way of life. Since drugs in general make you happy without acquiring things the media claims you need to be happy, of course they'd be made illegal. That makes sense, doesn't it? Alcohol is worse for you. It causes more problems. It kills people and leaves you completely unable to make decisions. You even get addicted. But... that's easily taxable. Why is it easily taxable? It's not too easy to make alcohol. So companies do it. But to sell it, you need a license. With other drugs.. it's not that easy to regulate. Why do people hate people who do drugs? I don't understand it very much. We're all brought up to be told that they're all evil. Just like tattoos. That those things makes you a horrible person. What makes you a good person exactly? Being in a stable relationship with a good job? Who... exactly decided that for us? Only if someones government salary depended on that belief... oh. Wait, it does. We're all very gullable. I am too. I spent seventeen years thinking that this life was worth living. It's clearly not. At least not for me. Not right now. I would end it right here. This blog. This life. But that would make some people sad. And maybe if this life isn't worth living for me. I can make it worth living for someone else. That's why I live my life around other people. I just want to make someone happy. That makes me feel good. Isn't that what life is about? Did I just answer the question of the point to life? I think so. Hah. Billions of years, and I did it. 42 my ass.

Mario cart, kissing, and Jesus.

Yesterday was interesting. I woke up and went to school. That wasn't very eventful. Though, I did trash my room deciding what clothes to wear. I have been trying really hard to not wear clothes that make me look/feel lazy. I have been wearing sweat pants daily for weeks now.
After much controversy I decided on Sleep pants. Oh yeah, that was definitely less lazy looking. But I got funny comments all day, and that made me pretty happy. I felt like I existed all day. So second period I asked Kenzie to skip and come visit me in Weiss'. We caught up (I hadn't attended school in a week) and stuff loudly while my class was going on. Weiss would only ever let us do that. :)
We both decided to skip 3rd. This came about because Kenzie decided she was in dire need of a nap and a back rub. I thought she had fallen asleep so I stopped and she looked at me angrily with a pretty awesome, "What the fuck?" face. I decided to skip 3rd because I hate Boesch and frankly if I he made me upsets I was likely to just leave anyway.
I then skipped 4th! I went into Human Systems, bullshitted with the teacher for a few minutes and then asked her if I could just leave. And just as any other teacher in the building she let me do whatever I wanted to. So I went down to Kenzie's lunch in which we both skipped going to the cafeteria and went to her English teachers class. I talked to Jared and her and that's always fun and relaxing. Around them I feel pretty great.
We made plans to do -something- later. Something was undetermined and was aimed at a mall. But I really honestly, had no desire to go to a mall. Ever.
So we made plans to go to Kenzie's and play Mario Cart. This was awesome for lots of reasons. No mall, kicking Jared's ass at Mario Cart, going to Kenzie's house, and other reasons I can't think of.
Calculus! This class is always filled with fun. And by fun I mean Kenzie and I flirt with each other, smile, and talk with friends. Kenzie told me she liked me in a good mood. And that I should be in one more often. I then decided to be in a good mood no matter what. Well, that lasted a while. . .
After much debate and pissing off of my parents we all decided to go with my family to drop nick off then jared then go to kenzie's. Yeah I decided to stop capitalizing names.
Anywho. I got really shy at Kenzie's. This was weird for a lot of reasons. I am never shy. Ever. Kenzie and Jared are a few of the only people I actually -am- comfortable around. And, I mean. . . I'm Collin. Seriously just ask people at school. It's just not me.
Anywho. After playing for a while and kicking ass, everytime I looked up Kenzie was smiling at me. Which is normal she smiles at about fucking anything. (it's cute for now) But then she started being cute. Kenzie does this occasionally. But she was being flirty and she started texting me. (to keep jared out)
She told me she liked me and she definitely wanted to kiss me when she got the chance. (Jared isn't on top of us. (Oh, and long story short this scenario basically happened at my house, I wasn't about to not have this happen, again))
Jared eventually filled with liquids had to go to the bathroom. At which point we kissed. She's adorable. The nervousness, is cute, and truly something I'm not used to. I'm always the one who is nervous. (I seem to have 10000000x the moral fiber of people I've dated) But she was. I liked that, it showed it meant -something-. We kissed more at random convenient times. It was cute.
We ordered Chinese! We ate Chinese! And then I left.
At this point. I was determined to change my life. To stop fucking around with school and really try. I started writing letters to my teachers apologizing for my stupidity and doing all missing work for the entire quarter.
Kenzie then texted me a few hours later. She said she had told her ex boyfriend about what had happened. Which made me sigh. Longest story of my life short, she is confused. She likes me, I like her, but neither of us are over our most recent relationship. Which is fine.
Just stressful, and kind of annoying. I liked kissing Kenzie. We should do that more. Kenzie>anyone I have ever kissed. Kassie was a good kisser, but the feeling was non existent. Ashley there was feeling, but she wasn't very good. =/ Gretchen it was weird, I felt like I was cheating on Kassie.
With Kenzie, it was feeling filled, she's a good kisser, and she cares about me. And she's intelligent. And that, is awesome.
I'm done ranting. I really don't expect anyone to read this. I kinda hope people don't. *shrug* haha.
I am going to go play black ops nao. Tomorrow I am going to the mall to talk to Kenzie, hopefully. This could either be awesome or another day of mindfuck. Wish me luck. Kenzie always talks about God, he should help.

The proactive Collin.

He is not very proactive yet. But, he is getting there.
Oh. You know how when you talk about things or people to other people and you tell them you have a sure fire idea? How to explain. For example, when people say that they are fine when they're clearly not, or they are over someone that they clearly haven't spend one second not thinking about.
Well, that's been me. So I stopped posting for a few days. I figured if I lied to myself enough it would become true. But that never became the case. I stopped posting in some attempt to truly get over my problems.
As I sit here in Economics, in touching distance of Ashley. I realized something. I don't feel the same way. I care about her a lot more then the average bear, but that love feeling. Is completely gone. I'm proud of myself. Even if love is just attatchment, which I am beggining to feel it is. Just some horrible, non-productive habit.
Anywho. I called all my colleges. Allegheny never got my application. This sucks for a million and a half reasons. But! It doesn't matter for one. And that trumps the others. If I do decide to join the Air Force reserves or some form of military something, I don't have to worry about going to college until the spring semester anyway. So, my lack of applying doesn't matter! Yay for me. *crosses fingers*
Today I am going to call Markus. To pick his brain a little more before I make this completely life changoing decision that I want to make sure I have put enough thought into making. I also am going to poke Mr. Kuhar. Though I have never had him as a teacher, he is great friends with Mr.Weiss. He also has been in the AF reserves for 6 years and knows about it more then most, and has no reason to sell me anything. I will value his opinion highly, plus I get out of another class. -Win-
Starting today I am running 6 miles a day. Seeing as I know for a fact I can't run 6 miles straight in a row yet. I am going to run as much as I can and then move myself until 6 are completed. And hopefully before BT I can run it all and then it won't be a big deal.