It's not my time.

'Cause all this time I've just been too blind to understand what should matter to me.
This life we live, it's not what we have, it's what we believe in.

My well thought out answer.

Someone asked me today. "You know if you stay up so late. . . you're just going to make it harder on yourself?"
And that's true. Maybe. But I like it that way, I like the numbness that comes with being exhausted. The oblivion, and the quiet chaos that exists only in my own head. Everybody elses problems are suddenly the farthest thing from my own, because I have things to deal with too.
If I'm tired I have a qualified excuse to keep myself at home, to evade constant problems that really don't concern me anyway. Sometimes I don't even need to try to block things out. The exhaustion does it for me, and I like that. . .

Just to find an escape from this town that was so mean to me. . .

'

And I'll beg and I'll beg. I'm down on my knees. Oh mama oh mama. Let me please leave.
I plea for relief, this town won't receive. all things that I want, the things that I need.
All I ever wanted was love.

So. Exaughsted.

I am some kind of tired. I don't get it.

Paved paradise and put a parking lot.

The best actors in the world aren't the one you see on the big screen. They're the everyday people like me that go around all the time tricking others into believing that I'm happy with my life.

Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got til' it's gone.

Please...

So sick and tired of being, sick and tired. . .

Life lately: Yeah. Listen to the damn lyrics. >.> spend 3 minutes of your life to get my life.
I took a ride on a February morning,
Just getting over it and dealing with the mourning,
I started thinking out loud: I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired,
My baby's flying off the edge of the road,
She's saying, "I'm so sorry about that note",
That left me all alone,
But I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Cuz I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Seven days since I've seen your face,
Seven nights I have laid to waste,
I'm burning out now,
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,
I know we're hanging at the end of the road,
We've flown too high, make a swarm too low,
I heard a screaming out loud,
I heard a screaming out loud

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Cuz I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Think,
All the things that you say,
What are the things that you mean,
What are the things that you say to me,
Cuz your tradgedy,
A queen for his majesty,
All this blasphemy
Your kingdom is crumbling,
You're a tradgedy,
A queen for his majesty,
All this blasphemy
Your kingdom is crumbling,

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Cuz I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Burning for you,
Burning like a candle,
Burning for you,
Burning like a candle

-I figured you wouldn't take the time.
Sincerely, Anonomouys

^ This shit is beginning to piss me the fuck off. Stop posting on /b/ A) can't spell Anonymous. THEN DON'T ASSOCIATE YOURSELF WITH THEM. B) YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW THE DEFINITION OF ANONYMOUS. YOU ARE BREAKING RULES #1 and #2 FOR GOD'S FUCKING SAKES.

Newfag Cancerfags.

End rant.

But really. I didn't think you'd make it this far. Gratz.

I whip my hurr back and forth!

I am going to dye my hair. Hopefully back to it's original color. *fingers crossed* I have no idea how this will turn out. It might not do anything, it might work, or it'll go red.
All of the above would be equally. . . Something.

I went to McDonalds with Nick, CJ, and Maddie. I had a frappe. It was good. That's more calories then I've had this month. Which is good, I guess. Maddie is cute. CJ is a pain.

Greyson has been busy all day. Which sucks. I could of used entertainment of some sort today. C'est la vie.

I will post how the hair thing goes as it develops. Not a picture. Unless it's fucking hilarious. But I doubt it will be. My body looks like I am dying lately. Hence the lack of picture taking.

Oh noes!

Freiza is a jerkface!

DBZ

I am gonna go watch some. Yeay!

Garfield.

Literally, this has nothing to do with Garfield. It was just in my head. So, from this moment on. I will no longer speak of Ashley. Here, or elsewhere. I decided this will be best. She is completely impossible to talk to and no matter how much I try to reason her, it's impossible. She is killing me and taking pride in it. So, I am done with her. All love is gone from her eyes and that is my que to just leave it alone. Forever apparently means 364 days. Yes, tomorrow would be our one year anniversary. Hence I made plans. But, those aren't happening apparently. So tomorrow will be hard for me.

I am apparently possibly maybe going to go play black ops with Greyson. Yay for killing peoples when pissed. Awesome.

I for once. Don't have any desire to inflict physical harm on myself. This is something I will think more about later. It's really -that- peculiar of a feeling.

That's suck huh?

Yeah. My life blows sometimes. At least it's not totally self caused!?

lol.

I love typing like this. Emphasis Emphasis Emphasis.

Blown off.

Again.

Thank you, God.

This is what happens when I try. When I truly try to make things better with the deepest sincerities my heart has to offer. I put my best foot forward and jump head on into life. And it shoots me down. Always.
I told Ashley I was sorry for hurting her. (again) And that I am sorry she ever thought I cheated on her. ( I would never do that ) And that I understand why she would be so upset. And she basically told me she doesn't care if I go die. She's new and improved and her life is awesome. Except. She is failing, sick, and doing stupid shit again.
But. I love her. And I would never want her to think anything bad about me. So I take it.

Why did I say thank you god? Well. I thought he was supposed to help you when you did the right thing. When you tried. Apparently he makes life hard and it's a trial? No. He either doesn't exist or he hates us.

I might hang out with Jared tomorrow. Hopefully. =/

Ashley. Why?

Oh Snap, Crackle, and Pop! - Here goes nothing!!

Lol. That has nothing to do with anything I am writing. It just made me laugh. Anywho, on my mind today. I got my SAT results back this morning. Woot!
I got a 1250 out of the original 1600.
Or a 1700 out of 2400 for todays standards.
Okay. So, it's not impressive. I mean, I am not the next Einstein. But, I got the best in my school. By far, actually. The next highest person I have seen was 1400/2400.
I am in the top 85% of the nation with my reading and writing. Once again, I am not Japanese. But, for going to Strong Vincent. I believe this, beyond anything else in my life. Is going to give me motivation. I feel gifted and truly proud of myself for one of the first times in my life. I did what Strong Vincent told me I could never do. What I told myself I could never do.
And, I didn't study. I go both ways with my feelings on that, but I feel like beefing up before a test while it may be beneficial. Is no where near an accurate representation of anything except maybe. . . your ability to remember for a few days? But a better score is a better score. *shrug*
I am still happy. Severely so.

Getting this out of the way before more happiness ensues! Ashley thinks I cheated on her. And she feels like I ruined her life. She planned on going to Florida for college. I told her there was no way I would be able to pay for it. She told me she wanted to go to college in Erie because of family. Well, no. She wanted to go to college in Erie, for me. Which is shitty. Because, ask my parents. I planned to move wherever the hell she wanted to go. I wasn't going to be like " Nope, you're stuck here." Or be like, " Hey, I know you've been my best friend for years, and I love you more then life itself, but I'm going to go to school 6 states away from you." No. I would of done whatever it took to get in to school there, even if it meant working and saving up so I could. So, she blames me. It seems backwards. I mean, I would of done anything for her, but she lied to me, and in the process of doing so, she hurt herself. And. . . this is my fault. . . Oh. I get it now. Wait. Wait. Wait. What? It's okay. I told her I loved her more then anything and I'd never hurt her. In which she replied, " I need to go." Cool, right? I understand I hurt you for a bunch of reasons that didn't happen, and even some that did. But. . . you have manners. Use them, 'kay?

Back to the happy!!! Kenzie is super proud of me. She gave me like a million hugs today, and actually asked for them. Okay well, some. I love hugs. I am used to getting a million fucking hugs a day. Now I am so anti-social and not with Ashley, Kenzie is my only source of hugs. Plus, I love her dearly. A friendly kind of love. That I would kiss. That's about it. She's adorable and amazing just something is off. Maybe it's her boyfriend. Yeah, probably.

More happppppyyyy!!! Dragon Ball Z marathon continues! I am twenty-some episodes in and I have one thing to say. I love you Dragon Ball Z. This show is amazing. Not only is it full of awesome fighting, drama, hilarious jokes, amazing anime-ness, but it truly has a million and a half good messages per show. This show truly motivates me to go do things. I mean so many people constantly say "try your best." This pisses me off. My best blows. It sounds completely stupid but Dragon Ball Z is about going past that, and constantly pushing yourself to the next level. I know it sounds like a cult of some horrid sort, but truly the messages are there. The Japanese tradition of honor and pride is fed to the kids like candy in shows like this. It truly is a motivational and well intentioned show.
INB4 over 9000, and 45 minutes of Hyeeeeaaaaah!
It is more then that. You just have to be pensive enough to catch it I guess. I never did when I was younger.

I texted Lindsey. She is proud of me. =] Who is Lindsey? The love of my life. Okay, so she is my ASL coach from last year. This may have been mentioned at some point in the life of this blog. But, I love her. I would marry her if she was not you know, 10 years older then me. *shrug* She's still amazing.

Weiss is writing me a letter of recommendation letter. This is awesome for many a reason. A) He is a great teacher. B) He is a great guy. C) I think he gets me. He treats me like his son and I truly don't know how I would get through things without him. D) He writes awesome letters. E) He is an alumni of my college of choice currently!. Wasssup wit it!? . . . . I don't know. Black people say it. . . =[

What else is going on. Oh! oh! oh! Saturday. Me and Jared are apparently hanging out? You might be like, "what!?" But you heard correctly. I. have. plans. Will they actually happen? Maybe not. But I made them and for that I am proud of myself. I know it sounds lame, but I have like never really made plans with anyone but Greyson or Ashley. And Kassie. that's about it. And ask any of them. I failed at that like a pro. It's hard to make plans when your schedule is so infinitely open that people think you're desperate and or you are constantly making time for them. Honestly I just don't have anything in my day I can't move. I am a butterfly and shit.

Well here it goes.
This is me trying to live my life.
By your standards Ashley, your god awful standards.

I'll sit back and I'll watch the show. And I'll lay awake. And I'll watch the stars, as the collide!!


My life starts tomorrow I decided. Here goes nothing!

Dragon Ball Z

Hours later. I am still watching DBZ. You jelly bro?
Yeah.
Thought so.
PS: Life, you suck. Fuck you. I mean. Idk. Squirrel.

Please.

Let this work. I need this. I really hope everyone understands. I'm sorry it has to be this way. I know I am not exactly the ideal son, or brother, or friend. I know I cause more stress and pain in all of your lives then I do anything. But let me do this for me. I don't trust myself to hold on much longer. This is getting too hard for me. I can only sleep away so much of my life. It's permeating. My dreams are infected. There is no escape here, and I can't deal with the problem. It won't go away. No matter how many times I look it dead in the eye it gets harder, more elusive, and more deadly. Don't let me fail for your own pride and hearts. I'll be gone soon anyway. Don't take away my future. I promise staying here will do that quicker then anything. My body, my mind. . .my soul can't take anymore. Please if there is any form of god out there. Whoever and whatever you are, help me in this endeavor. I truly have no where else to turn. This is truly my final attempt.

Hmm.

How do I feel this good sober?

They say music can alter moods and talk to you.

But can it load a gun up for you and cock it too? ASL in the morning.

Rawr!

I had a good day. I didn't do school work. I'm going to try starting that on Monday. Which will put me officially 2 weeks behind. Which isn't bad. Honestly.
Life is happyful. =]

Here comes the sun :)

I got new medicine. I feel sooo happy. And not sick. Life is good =] Like that cell phone maker back in the day. LG. <- They sucked at making phones.
Vid related.

School.

Apparently I still go to one of those things! Which is funny, cause' I honestly forgot. Anywho. What is school for me right now? Well. It starts with Regulars English. Which means : House of monkeys. (For future reference, it is apparently spelled monkeys, not monkies. It doesn't follow the drop the y and add es rule? Good to know) It's a bunch of idiots being loud and ridiculous while I read.
Second period. Mr. Weiss' class. Economics. First class with Ashley. Which means, bury my head in a book, turn up my music and talk to Weiss until the class is over.
Third period. Forensics. This class is retarded. Anyone who has watched CSI, hasn't learned a damn thing yet.
Fourth period. Human systems. This class, is one I would love with a true passion. If I didn't sit directly next to Ashley. This class consists of turning up music. I try to bury my head in a book, but then I just feel sick. So I ignore everything and everyone. Shit is not cash.
Fifth period. Sociology. This class is great. Why? Because I don't do shit. Am I supposed to do shit? Yes. I am two weeks of work behind. Literally I haven't done a damn thing. All I do is talk to Kenzie and Jared and I am pretty content with that right now.
Sixth period. Calculus. I love this class. I love math. I can't learn. Whether it be others talking, or me talking, or having a bad day. It never fails that -something- keeps me from learning in this class.
Anywho, off to this lovely place. At least I have music <33333 I love you music.